What Does The Prayer Really Say?
W D T P R S

His Excellency Donald W. Trautman, the Erie bishop in Pennsylvania, Chairone of the Bishops Commitee on Liturgy, and general enemy of the Holy See’s norms for liturgical translation had an article in that bastion of liturgical wisdom America magazine.  I wrote something about it when it came out way back in May, but the whole thing was so warmed over that I have forgotten where it put it.

There is nothing new in his Excellency’s article.  Nothing.  He has been pushing the same argument for years now. 

It boils down to this: you are too stupid to understand an accurately translated prayer.  Because you are too stupid, because the prayers are tooo haaard for you to understand, His Excellency wants to you have mashed carrots and goop instead of a rare T-Bone and structured Cab, like mommy and daddy do for their kiddies.

The jarred peas His Excellency wants to nourish you with is made with blender setting "Contemporary Relevance".  His Excellency is of the mind that liturgical language must speak to you immediately, without you having to do any work, like, thinking, pondering, listening carefully, or knowing any big words.  Like the contents of a blender, the translations will have to be in perpetual motion to keep up with changing trends in language and expression (and education).

An exagerated version (but not by much) of what we are talking about is at Gerald’s place, to whom I tip the … you know, the funny priest hat  o{]:¬)

A reader (John Pritchett) has gotten his hands on a Trautman draft of the Mass, apparently the version relevant for white teenagers:

Mass of Trautman
Priest: Uhm, like, hey guys, we need to, you know, get started, so let’s do the cross thingy.  OK, so now we’re gonna say sorry and stuff to God because, you know
what? Nobody’s perfect.
All: I’m sorry if anything I did was offensive. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. My bad.
Priest: Ok, let’s, like, talk to God now and listen to the stories in the book.
Lector: [lector reads the day’s selection] This is from that book from God.
All: Thanks God.
Cantor: Now you all are gonna repeat after me, like row row row your boat and I’ll sing some stuff from the book.
Priest: Uhm, This next part is really important so let’s everybody stand up and do the cross thingy on our heads, mouths and chest.
Hey, peace y’all.
All: Right back atcha.
[the priest reads the Gospel of the day]
Priest: Jesus did this.
All: Thanks Jesus.
Priest: [gives pastoral, easily comprehensible homily]
Priest: Hey guys, now let’s say that long thing that talks about what we think about and stuff.
All: We like God.  God is cool and really nice because He made me and this whole world – which by the way – we are totally polluting and it’s getting hot.  Jesus was born in a little barn and every Christmas we have a play during church but then he died. But you know what? He loves me and wants me to be happy.  There’s this spirit that talks to us in a book and he makes things live.  I like my church because everyone here is so nice and the priest is nice and we sing nice songs about nice stuff and later when we get old and icky, after we die, we all get to go to heaven with Jesus. He’s really cool by the way. Amen.
Priest: Now let’s pray for a bunch of stuff.
[intentions are prayed]
Priest: hey you guys in the back? Can y’all carry that basket and pitcher up here? That’d help a lot. Thanks.
Priest: Hey y’all, be peaceful and stuff.
All: You too.
Priest: Let’s pray to God and, you know.
All: yeah, that’d be nice.
Priest: You know what? Angels and stuff sing to God so let’s sing along with them.
All: Hey God. 
You are way bigger than us.
You make the world happy.
We love you big guy.
YAY!
Jesus liked you and he was cool.
YAY!
Priest: A long time ago, at dinner, Jesus gave His friend’s some bread and wine and stuff.
Because Jesus likes us, He wants us to have bread and wine too.
God wants us to have this snack also.
And you know what?
We really like snacks so let’s tell God and Jesus and that Spirit gal thanks.
All: Yeah…Thanks.
[all present themselves for communion]
Priest: (holding out a wicker basket) Uhm, like, here’s some bread for you from God.
Recipient: Yum, that’s good and nutty, is it whole grain by the way? I like it. Now where’s that dude with the vino?