VORTEX REPORT: A MASSIVE SHIFT TO OCCUR!

You have followed the reports on …

The Vortex.

There is a portentous development.

One of the Originators of the ecclesial force vectors which opened that rift singularity, that rift in the space time continuum will be moving.

His Excellency Most Reverend Robert Finn, Bishop of Kansas City-St. Joseph has announced that the diocesan offices (that’s “chancery” or “curia”) will be moving.

When it moves, one of three things will happen.

  1. The Vortex will shift to a different location.
  2. The Vortex will not shift to a different location.
  3. The Vortex will close forever.

Or… the Vortex will expand and annihilate the PLANET!

Okay, that’s four things.

Or… maybe ecclesial forces will lash back at the remain fixed points and engulf them?

Okay, five things.

We will all have to sort this out with courage, patience and….

[CUE MUSIC]

Mystic Monk Coffee!

When you’ve had a hard day of moving several gigs of email and dancing around inflated sheep’s stomachs… when you’ve no idea if the planet is even going to survive… yes, its time for a WDTPRS mug filled to the brim with soothing, rich and aromatic Mystic Monk Coffee!

That’s right! With Mystic Monk, you’ll more quickly figure out where to run and hide when the Vortex threatens to vaporize your city.

When ecclesial forces shift, don’t be caught short.  Refresh your supply now!

Mystic Monk!

It’s swell!

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About Fr. John Zuhlsdorf

Fr. Z is the guy who runs this blog. o{]:¬)
This entry was posted in Global Killer Asteroid Questions, Lighter fare and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to VORTEX REPORT: A MASSIVE SHIFT TO OCCUR!

  1. AnAmericanMother says:

    Sitting here at the computer with a mug of Mystic Monk Hazelnut in my hand.

    It is, in fact, swell.

    Should we water that chestnut tree with a little coffee before the Vortex shifts . . . if it does?

  2. wanda says:

    I guarantee that I am not up to dancing this morning, let alone dance around inflated sheep’s stomachs. (?) Perhaps it’s time to break down, give in, and try the..you know..Mystic Monks brew. Do you promise it’s swell? I am a die hard (really hard) Maxwell House drinker, by the barrel. But, I do want to be prepared if the Vortex shifts, we all know what happened to Fr. Z.

  3. Rachel says:

    But WHY is Bishop Finn moving? Could it not be that word of these reports on THE VORTEX have reached His Excellency’s ears?

  4. Thomas in MD says:

    The Vortex always seems to become active while you are on the road, Father. Maybe you are one of the Originators and you never realized it…

  5. The constantly expanding list is reminiscent of the Spanish Inquisition.

    “Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency…and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope…Our *four*…”

  6. Supertradmum says:

    I hope the leader of the Vortex does not move…

  7. Thomas in MD: Are you suggesting that my ecclesial person is a factor The Vortex?!?

  8. pfreddys says:

    According to my computer models the effect this will have will be to bring the collision of the Milky Way and Andromeda galaxies, predicted by scientists to occur in five billion years to approximately October 2, 2011 at 09:37 GMT. My computer models are unclear if we will be so lucky as to be hurled into intergalactic space. Someone must inform His Excellency about the ramification of his actions…..I really want to be around when the corrected edition of the Novus Ordo comes out.

  9. kab63 says:

    I respectfully submit that by *observing* The Vortex you, Father Z himself (or, as the Irish say, Himself), have *changed* The Vortex and must be held partially accountable for any deleterious (or advantageous) effects that occur in the area.

  10. Tony Layne says:

    @ kab63: So you’re saying that Fr. Z is Wigner’s friend? Sorry, Schrödinger’s cat is either dead or alive, not both, whether Fr. Z can see it or not. What does this have to do with The Vortex? Not sure, except it’s a really great exc—er, reason to build a pot of Mystic Monk!

  11. The Cobbler says:

    Fr.,

    I just got a message from a team of crack physicists headed by one Dr. Nicholas Tam, regarding your original calculations. It seems they were concerned with the fact that, having carefully plotted the vectors initially, you did not appear to take such care factoring in the slight influence of the Masonic temple, but guessed based on apparent resultant phenomena (the bush, etc.).

    Well, they undertook to study the vectors based on the photos you put up, and came to some startling conclusions:

    1) If one of the effects of the VORTEX is a chaotic distortion of space, time, physics or metaphysics, then something as symmetrical and therefore orderly as the bush may be a sign the VORTEX is _not_ centered on that spot; rather, such symmetry would likely show up in asynchronous locations nearby, much like keeping a tune in time in itself but off from the timing of the rest of the orchestra.

    2) It is theoretically possible for the VORTEX to distort the vectors themselves. Whether this would result in its center being impossible to measure by definition is still being worked on.

    3) It is even conceivably possible that such things as “center” have no meaning inside the VORTEX, or for that matter that “inside the VORTEX” and “outside the VORTEX”, let alone “near”, are also meaningless within range of its effect(s).

    4) If point 3 is in fact valid, it stands to reason that inside the VORTEX the VORTEX itself might not even exist; this would, I believe make the VORTEX the first known case of an actually existing entity, rather than an only abstractly existing idea, being self-refuting.

    Dr. Tam’s team, as you can see, has been working primarily in the theoretical; they’re interested in seeing if they could tweak your probe to better test these theories on the empirical level.

  12. Amongst the things that may happen, are such divers possibilities as….