From the often amusing Eye of the Tiber:
Cardinal Kasper Adds Three Sacraments
Vatican City––Citing the need for the Church to “update herself with modern times,” Cardinal Walter Kasper declared that the Church has now added three Sacraments to the original seven instituted by Christ. In an interview with America, Kasper explained his decision: “Christ challenged the Pharisees to look deeper than the Mosaic Law, and he challenges us to the same. The original seven sacraments were sufficient for their time, but times have changed, and the Church owes the world a greater number of spiritual life rafts.”
Continuing his interview, Kasper added: “We need a paradigm change and we must – as the good Samaritan did – consider the situation also from the perspective of those who are suffering and asking for help. Christ’s sacraments just aren’t doing the job, and so it is our duty as a Church to reach out in other ways.”
Most of all, His Eminence pushed for the Church to adapt to the Metric system: “The number 7 is a prime number; it can’t be divided by anything. And when you multiply it by anything you always get some weird number like 23 or 49. The Church needs to leave behind the Imperial system of Sacraments and join the rest of Europe in the Metric system.”
Pointing out the complexity of modern life as compared to earlier times in human history, Kasper affirmed that “Life is not just black or white or yellow or green or blue or red or purple; there are, in fact, exactly ten nuances. Not seven.”
Kasper’s new list of Sacraments is as follows:
1. Baptism
2. Confirmation
3. Eucharist
4. Reconciliation
5. Marriage
6. Holy Orders
7. Anointing of the Sick
8. Annulment
9. That YouTube video of that Lifehouse song with that Jesus skit
10. Christmas trees
I think he forgot the Church Tax.
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Notwithstanding the 8th and 9th sacraments of contraception and abortion…
Cardinal Kasper is German.
The idea of taking certain styles of certain music for a shibboleth is foreign to orthodox and unorthodox Germans alike. Hence, the thing is not accurate even as a satire with its number 9.
On the other hand, I might humorously myself add, unordered,
8. the Rosary,
9. Papal coronation (or whatever ’tis called),
10. agape in the sense of a get-together after religious service – but let me make sure that I do not mean the modern things organized by certain… you know… sort of persons actually called agape, but the thing which, in its more festive occasions, is reportedly celebrated in America with coffee and doughnuts, and in Bavaria with white beer and sausages,
11. lectio divina,
12. Eucharistic adoration (well… falls under “Eucharist”, somehow),
Disclaimer: no, I do not hold views opposed to the dogma that there are seven Sacraments and just that.
Ceterum censeo (unless it was intended as part of the satire): Terming “Reconciliation” what is in reality the second Sacrament of Reconciliation, with Baptism being the first, is a misnomer.
Dear Siculum,
please give Cardinal Kasper his due.
To all information available, Cardinal Kasper shares the Catholic position on this one: abortion is never ever a valid option.
To all information available, Cardinal Kasper does not esteem contraception “a sacrament” in any sense that this phrase implies, including the sense our reverend host uses when he says that the liberals (to use that phrase) do so.
Not everyone who has one liberal opinion has all of them.
Let’s not give him any ideas.
Imrahil: I’m aware of Cardinal Kasper’s claims, yes.
But the rank-and-file “Catholic” out there already added these acts as sacrosanct years ago. Just ask Democratic Rep. Nancy Pelosi of California about what she considers “holy ground.”
Siculum and Imrhil:
Have you forgotten the 10th sacrament in your list of gay marriage. I mean everything has to be reduced to the emotional lowest common denominator. Even the deepest darkest demons in hell need to be appeased in order to fulfill themselves. The old stuffy Church Militant can’t suffice in the modern liberal world.
Inclusiveness to a liberal ‘catholic’ of course includes all sins and evil and demons, because we don’t want to hurt any one’s feelings, especially those out to destroy us, like the Devil or the secular state!
Any more, I find myself too despondent to enjoy satire or sarcasm. Acedia seems like a nice lukewarm anesthetized state compared to the spiritually destructive cognitive dissonance enveloping me.
“The metric system” — bwah ha ha!!!
23? Must be Common Core Math.
“I think he forgot the Church Tax”
Good one!
He also could have added:
“Being nice”
Imrahil
“Terming “Reconciliation” what is in reality the second Sacrament of Reconciliation, with Baptism being the first, is a misnomer.”
I’m with you in that: “Terming ‘Reconciliation’ is a misnomer.”
I prefer Sacrament of Confession or Penance. “Reconcile” seems to be a reconciliation between equals. God is not my equal I will confess myself to Him (through His Priest) and do penance for atonement for my sins but one makes a reconciliation with someone who may have hurt you as much as you might have hurt him/her.
Baptism/Reconciliation One
Confession/Penance Two, Three and Four
And if we keep sinning Five, Six and Evermore.
Dear Siculum,
I’d like to contradict you with the rank and file Catholics, at least as far as abortions are concerned. The general idea that abortion is evil and never an option has thankably much hold on them, at least here. I don’t know if that’s true in America, but still I do venture to say that Mrs Pelosi was not speaking as a typical Catholic but as an exceptional Catholic*.
[*”Catholic” in the sense of “professing as”, etc. I’m generally no friend of saying in discussion that someone Catholic is not Catholic, if he hasn’t provenly or obviously committed ap., h. or s. But this does walk close to or over the border of heresy.]
Dear drohan,
the instinctive reaction against the nonsense of a homosexual marriage is still strong enough for Cardinal Kasper and his associates that none of them thinks of such a thing. It may be, though, that they are thinking of (tolerance of, focussing on the good within, etc.) civil-unions. (Which, as Dr Peters has repeatedly pointed out, are a different thing.)
Don’t forget Hope and Change. It is THE sacrament upon which the Progressives here in America have built their church!
Tolerance! Let’s wedge it in between Reonciliation and Communion. After all, sn’t that how we give Our Peace, the necessary rite before reception?