ASK FATHER: Can a Roman Catholic in good conscience date a Sedevacantist?

With a tip of the biretta to EOTT for the image!

From a reader….


I have been on Catholic Match and found a lady whose family considers themselves independent Catholics. They attend Mass at the Congregation of Mary Immaculate Queen (CMRI) or SSPV. Can a Roman Catholic in good conscience date a Sedevacantist?

GUEST PRIEST RESPONSE: Fr. Tim Ferguson, Official Parodohymnodist… with a biretta tip to Messers Gilbert and Sullivan

When dating a schismatic you must follow proper protocol,
and not be bothered by tangential or doctrinal folderol.
Confine yourself to criticizing popes whose names are John or Paul.
Be elegiac speaking of Lefebvre’s time in Senegal.

Avoid the steak on Ember Days, but you may drink some alcohol.
And roll your eyes when grumbling about the ugly Nervi Audience Hall.
About the hypostasis she might have a few conflicting views.
But if home-schooled, she’ll know about the square of the hypotenuse.

Some get off course on music, if offended may turn rude and they,
will even contradict norms from Tra le sollicitudine.
In short to date schismatics is not any sort of free for all.
When dating a schismatic you must follow proper protocol.

You must be diligent in speaking of the third Confiteor,
But speculation is allowed on the Cretaceous meteor.
Your Latin knowledge need not be complete or even practical,
but your pronunciation must be straight ecclesiastical.

If ever cornered, scapulars can be used as a last defense
to prove your solid Catholic bona fides with the least offense.
And then just hum introits in a mode that’s hypolydian,
whilst citing the Raccolta , but not e’er the Enchiridion.

Your coal on St. Nick’s feast day may be lignite or bituminous.
Your rosary myst’ries must never include the novel luminous.
A coat and tie are proper dress for outdoor games of volleyball,
when dating a schismatic, you must follow proper protocol.

In fact, if you can tell the year by looking at Montini’s lobes,
or guess the provenance of bishops just by looking at their robes,
if such affairs like vespers or novenas you’ve grown weary at,
and if you call the chancery a left wing commissariat,

When you know that modern phil’s gone on some loony trajectory,
and you have questions of affairs in Father Lovebead’s rectory,
you might not be in need of a retreat or a sabbatical.
You may just be aligning with your date, the hot schismatical.

I would suggest a sit down with your pastor or a trusted priest,
or someone clearly orthodox and truly faithful at the least.
But if you choose to try and woo a nice schismatic gal at all,
remember that in dating, you must follow proper protocol.

About Fr. John Zuhlsdorf

Fr. Z is the guy who runs this blog. o{]:¬)
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  1. rhig090v says:

    This is hilarious! Lots of “inside baseball”.

  2. Gab says:

    That is magnificent!

  3. WGS says:

    well put!
    That took a lot of effort.

  4. Diana says:

    I’m sure, as intended, I read this to the tune of Modern Major General… this is absolute awesomeness. BRAVO!!

  5. Kent Wendler says:

    (Forgive me for “tagging on”, but …?)

    In matters hierarchical, dogmatic or Traditional, he is the very model of a faithful Vicar General!

  6. abdiesus says:

    Hilarious! This has got to be one of the best parodies you’ve posted yet – and that’s high praise considering the competition!

  7. William Cody says:

    And roll your eyes when grumbling about the ugly Nervi Audience Hall

    And this is the point at which my strength would fail and I would be tempted to sedevantism by this voluptuous siren.

    It’s hard for me to see that hall as anything but demonic.

  8. cyrillist says:

    Absolutely breathtaking! I’ve suffered through so many G&S parodies with execrable scansion, but the scansion in this is almost impeccable! Pure joy!

  9. Fr. Timothy Ferguson says:

    If I didn’t love my day job so much, I’d consider leaving and writing a whole musical: The Birettas of Penzance, perhaps.

  10. InFormationDiakonia says:

    Very very funny Father. I laughed as I tried singing it, which causes laughter itself!

  11. Kathleen10 says:

    That was terrific Father! Well done.
    Fr. Z. you made an appearance in my dream last night. You were diving into water and flying your own plane.

  12. iamlucky13 says:


    I missed the tip off and got down to the square of the hypotenuse before I realized what was up.

    To keep up that pace of rhyming, only minimally compromise the rhythm, and stay topical like that is masterful.

    So…when does casting begin?

  13. dahveed says:

    That was wonderful, Father. I think, though, we should be clear: dating as in suitability for matrimony, or dating as in counting carbon 14 versus carbon 12?

  14. Titus says:


    Father must do “When I Was a Lad” next.

  15. teomatteo says:

    Fr F, or (as per this pontificate) ‘A Not So Funny Thing happened On The Way To The Vatican’.

  16. pac76 says:

    May I suggest being open to meeting someone less physically attractive?

  17. PostCatholic says:

    It is a brave man who, in doggerel,
    Sincerely attempts to rhyme ‘folderol.’
    But had you asked me,
    My swift reply could but be,
    “The heavens don’t care, no, not at all.”

    You don’t ask me, I am well aware,
    And for my reply you won’t give a care.
    So go with Rev. Ferguson,
    There is no comparison
    With me. I think you’re far too square.

  18. Sue in soCal says:

    Very good, Fr. F. Very good.

  19. Semper Gumby says:

    This is great. Not only is it hilarious, but Fr. Ferguson counts coup on the Sedevacantists.

  20. Semper Gumby says:

    Fr. Z: Please excuse the off-topic.

    I’ve been informed that Joe Medicine Crow completed the Grand Slam of Counting Coup (lead a successful war party, capture an enemy’s weapon, touch an enemy without killing him, and steal an enemy’s horse)…in Europe…during World War II.

    “You don’t become a War Chief just because you’re the oldest dude in the tribe, or the most badass hunter, or the only guy in your zip code capable of bench-pressing an automobile…

  21. catholiccomelately says:

    Oh, Father Ferguson, THANK YOU for this great bit of doggerel and falderol! I’ll be humming the Pirates of Penzance for days!

  22. JesusFreak84 says:

    What I’m hearing is No ;p

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