Pope Donald

It seems that, the presidency not being enough, The Donald is running for Pope.

This is from A-CNN:

Converted Trump Now Running for Pope

In shocking news first reported a week ago, businessman Donald Trump has converted to Catholicism and has now declared his candidacy for Pope. Today’s announcement coincides with critical statements Pope Francis made about Mr. Trump not being a Christian. Mr. Trump just held a rally outside of New York City. Although video is not available, A-CNN has just acquired the audio transcript which we are providing below:

Thank you….thank you. You know, when I first started this campaign, people didn’t believe me. First they said, he’s not converting, he’ll never convert. Then I converted. Then they said, he’ll never get baptized, he won’t want the water to mess up his hair. But then I got baptized. Then they said he won’t get confirmed, and I got confirmed. And then they said he’d never run for pope. Well here I am, and I’m running for Pope; and I’m doing very well I must say.

(Cheers, applause)

I don’t have to do this, when you think about it. I really don’t. I’m rich. I’m really, really, rich. I built a great company; a tremendous company. I employ thousands and thousands of people. So my friends, they ask me, they say Donald, you have everything you can dream of. You’re rich, you have an amazing wife, an amazing family, you’re very successful, why run for Pope? And I say, you know what? I have to run. My Church needs me. The Catholics need me. I have to make the Catholic Church great again. I have to.

(Cheers, applause)

You know, it’s a sad thing to say, but the Church is in such bad shape; terrible shape under Francis. The Catholic Church doesn’t win anymore. We just don’t. When is the last time Catholics won anything? Lepanto? When was that, the 1500’s? We don’t win anymore. But, let me just say, Under a Trump papacy, we are going to win again. We are going to win so much. We are going to win so much you are all going to be sick of winning, ok? But right now, it’s terrible. Just the other day, I see the Pope is praising Martin Luther. Martin Luther! Can you believe it?

(Boos)

Our Pope is over there praising Martin Luther; meanwhile millions of Hispanics are converting to Protestantism in Latin America. It’s true. We are losing millions and millions of people to the Protestants and our Pope does nothing. He does nothing. And I have nothing against the Protestants. Many of them are good people. I employ thousands of Protestants. I used to be a Protestant. But their leaders are just too smart for our leaders. We have people in power in the Church today who have no idea what they are doing. They are incompetent. All our leaders do is “dialogue.” We don’t convert anymore, we “dialogue.” What the hell is dialogue? Excuse me, but shouldn’t we be converting these people? If we have the Truth, why aren’t we converting them? But we don’t convert, we “dialogue”, and we lose millions and millions of these people to Protestantism. They are saying if the head of the Catholic Church thinks it’s ok to be Protestant, why convert? Why do we need to convert? Let him convert. Let the Pope convert. That’s what they’re saying. They’re laughing at us. There is no respect there. No respect. When I’m Pope, they are going to respect us again, let me tell you.

(Cheers, applause)

Another thing I hear a lot about is 2 Vatican. Have you heard of 2 Vatican?

(Crowd yells “Vatican II!”)

Vatican II? Is it Vatican II? Vatican II, 2 Vatican, who the hell cares. It stinks right? No matter what you call it, it stinks.

(Cheers, applause)

I was just looking at the numbers the other day, folks. Before Vatican II – tens of thousands of vocations to the priesthood and religious life in this country, thousands of baptisms, first communions, confirmations. Thousands and thousands of converts. Catholic universities all over the place, and I mean real Catholic universities, not the universities today that call themselves Catholic. Tens of thousands of Catholic schools with all kinds of nuns. There were so many priests the parishes were overflowing, ok? You couldn’t walk down your street without bumping into a priest, that’s how many of them there were. The Faith was exploding, it was really amazing, it was unbelievable. And then…. You have Vatican II.

(Boos)

Then you have Vatican II and they change everything. They change everything! You have the best Church in centuries, a flourishing Church, a vibrant Church, a converting Church, and they change everything. Now how stupid is this? How stupid?

(Boos)

You know people try to criticize me and they say I speak too plain and too simple. Look, I have a great education, I finished top of my class at the Wharton School of Finance, the top school in the country. I have a huge vocabulary. It’s huge. It really is. But when I see something like this, there really is no other word for it. I have to call it stupid. Because it is. It’s stupid. There’s no other word for it.

(Cheers, applause)

So they’re succeeding. The Church is succeeding, and they change everything. So then they say in Vatican II that the priests aren’t really the priests. I mean, we’re all priests, right? Isn’t that what Martin Luther said? We’re all priests? The Pope’s buddy, Martin Luther?

(Boos)

Then they try to say, oh but there’s a difference. The priests in the collars, if they even wear collars anymore. I saw a priest the other day; he was in a turtleneck and a cardigan. He looked like Mr. Rogers. Who the hell wants a priest that looks like Mr. Rogers? Who wants that? I don’t know. Anyway…so the priests in the collars can say the Mass and they can hear the confessions, but in every other way, we’re all priests. Men, women, kids, maybe even Muslims. I don’t know, can Muslims be priests under Vatican II? I have no idea. I wouldn’t be surprised folks, I wouldn’t be surprised. It’s crazy.

(Boos)

So then they say we’re all priests and what happens to the priesthood? Plummets. Numbers go through the floor. Why be a priest if everyone can be a priest? Makes no sense. So now, if you’re a priest you can do what? Consecrate and absolve, right? Consecrate and absolve. So what do they do? Now they have “Communion Services.” They call them “Communion Services” ever heard of that?

(Boos)

The priest consecrates a bunch of hosts and then a layperson, usually a woman up at the altar in a pantsuit. Probably Hillary. I wouldn’t be surprised if it were Hillary.

(Laughter)

You ever notice today that all the nuns dress like Hillary? When did that happen? When did nuns start dressing like Hillary? It’s scary. It’s really scary.

[…]

Read the rest there. It’s a hoot.

I can actually hear his voice. 

BTW… A-CNN is associated with The Remnant.   Fr. Z kudos.  That’s pretty funny.

 

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About Fr. John Zuhlsdorf

Fr. Z is the guy who runs this blog. o{]:¬)
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26 Responses to Pope Donald

  1. Catholic_Convert2 says:

    REALLY funny. I needed this.

  2. gracie says:

    I had tears running down my face reading this. There are so many brilliant lines. This one is choice:

    “The priesthood isn’t great today. Our priests aren’t respected today. They are laughing stocks. I saw one the other day he was actually riding something during Mass. I had to ask my friend, I said what is he riding? He said, a hover board. I said what the hell is a hover board? Under a Trump papacy, you ride a hover board during Mass you can keep on riding it out the door because that’s the last time you’re going to be allowed in.”

    I had to post this parody on Facebook, I don’t care my modernist friends think (and there’s a ton of them). Please consider doing the same thing. No guts, no glory!

  3. Grumpy Beggar says:

    It was worth reading as far as I did just to get to this one:

    “Then they try to say, oh but there’s a difference. The priests in the collars, if they even wear collars anymore. I saw a priest the other day; he was in a turtleneck and a cardigan. He looked like Mr. Rogers. Who the hell wants a priest that looks like Mr. Rogers? Who wants that? I don’t know. Anyway…”

    LOL

  4. Bosco says:

    Surely a man to be trusted both to preserve the secrets of the Papal Conclave and Seal of Confession.

  5. bbmoe says:

    I wouldn’t vote for The Donald™ for President, but I’m kinda liking him for Pope. I just got out of a Mass that has distinguished itself mightily for the quality of the aesthetics generally, and the music particularly. St. Augustine said he who sings well, prays twice. If the reverse is true, that Mass was in the hole, prayer-wise. Very difficult to apprehend the heavenly realities, very easy to imagine the realities of The Other Place. Also communion service and the pantsuit pretend-priests.

    So, if the Donald converts, I may become a Trumpster for Jesus.

  6. boredoftheworld says:

    I think this may be the funniest thing I’ve ever read. For all sorts of reasons.

  7. Bea says:

    I needed a good laugh. Thanks for the spoof.
    Loved the Hillary/Nun pantsuit.

    I was once greeted as “Hello Sister” because I was wearing my Benedict Crucifix.
    I thought she meant : “Hello sister” as in “Hello bro” until I heard my son next to me muffling his laughter and it dawned on me what she thought.

  8. New Sister says:

    Waving my hanky – love it!

  9. Augustine says:

    Because I could hear his voice, I couldn’t get past the first couple of paragraphs!

  10. SKAY says:

    Thank you Father!

    My favorite:
    “You ever notice today that all the nuns dress like Hillary? When did that happen? When did nuns start dressing like Hillary? It’s scary. It’s really scary.”

    Yes it is scary.

  11. Gratias says:

    Too funny. They use Donald Trump’s words in an ecclesial sense. I do support Donald Trump for America, and Papa Donaldo to neutralize the poison injected into the Catholic Church by 2 Vatican.

  12. Geoffrey says:

    I think he would be the only pontiff to use “the Great” during his lifetime: “Papa Donaldus Ioannes Magnus”.

  13. Giuseppe says:

    This was perfect.

    Pope Donald would love ad orientem worship, as it could provide the congregation an even fuller view of his hair.

  14. JARay says:

    There is a blog which I enjoy very much. It is called “Eccles and Bosco is Saved”. This satire is right in the midst of the kind of postings which one can expect on this particular blog. I even think that Bosco makes the occasional comment here.

  15. PostCatholic says:

    Thank goodness that, at least in the real world, Mickey Rourke is still Pope of Greenwich Village.

  16. iPadre says:

    Pretty scary looking “Pope” also.

  17. Kathleen10 says:

    My comment was yours as well Fr. Z., I could absolutely hear this in his voice! Somebody totally captured him, and made lots of great points as well. lol
    But here comes that old charge, Fr. Z. you HATE 2 Vatican!

  18. exNOAAman says:

    I hate to have to say “me too”, but oh, how I laughed at the computer. This really gets Mr Trump’s mannerisms, and very relevant. Thanks

  19. Scott Woltze says:

    Outstanding comedy.

  20. lmgilbert says:

    Papa subito!

  21. Semper Gumby says:

    This is hilarious, many great lines.

  22. gracem says:

    I just love this…..funniest thing ever!!

  23. Luvadoxi says:

    This was perfect! Thanks so much for lightening my day. I’d like to think that Tim! would get a laugh out of it too. :)

  24. Absit invidia says:

    I was getting hopeful reading it there for a while thinking this was a dream come true – somebody actually trying to make the church great again. Where are these prelates? Why do such good outspoken bishops only reside in Africa?

  25. Absit invidia says:

    I’d vote for a pope like this.

  26. Toan says:

    Wow. They did an amazing job of matching Trump’s idiom. Tremendous!