Okay… Pope Francis is officially off my Christmas list

From the often amusing Eye of the Tiber:

Pope Infallibly Declares Nutella Overrated

In a stunning declaration this morning, Pope Francis shocked many Vatican observers when he declared that Nutella, the popular hazelnut chocolate spread, as “completely overrated.”   [We have to pay attention to words.  That “completely” is really tricky.]

“I declare,” said the Pope from his seat at St. John Lateran, “that through my office as shepherd and teacher of all Christians, and by virtue of my supreme apostolic authority, I hereby declare that Nutella shall henceforth be known as just kind of good, and not, as popular opinion would have it, the greatest thing since sliced Eucharistic host. Hereafter, if anyone, which God forbid, should dare willfully to deny or to call into doubt that which We have defined, that Nutella is wholly overrated, let him know that he has fallen away completely from the divine and Catholic Faith.”  [See?  It’s “wholly”, not “completely”.  But… Holy Father… please, as a gesture of Mercy™, please announce that your infallible teaching was wrong!…. Good grief?  What am I saying?!?  See how confusing this pontificate is?]

Francis went on to say that, although the declaration would be binding on all the Catholic faithful, it was not meant to “hinder” the faithful from eating Nutella, but was simply meant to hinder them from pondering how they ever lived their lives before Nutella. [Try Nutella with banana and then try to believe in Pope Francis again.]

While many are already speaking out against the Pope’s decision to call Nutella overrated, saying that not only is the spread “to die for,” but that the declaration neither concerns morals or doctrine, others staunch supporters of Francis are coming to his defense.  [Well… faith and morals… there is that.]

“I believe that, as successor to St. Peter, and more importantly, as a man who has taste buds, Pope Francis was right in infallibly defining it as overrated,” Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI told EOTT in an exclusive interview. “Nutella is alright, I admit. But it is not awesome, and I fully support the Pope’s decision.”  [The blow upon the bruise.]

After this sad development what more can we say?

Close The Parenthesis!

SHIFT-ZERO!

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28 Responses to Okay… Pope Francis is officially off my Christmas list

  1. THREEHEARTS says:

    are the owners of nutella a good Catholic family? I heard they did great works of mercy and charity.

  2. Adaquano says:

    I’m indifferent to Nutella, but I’m sure my wife will find this really distressing.

  3. anilwang says:

    I’m not particularly fond of Nutella but this isn’t a matter of faith and morals so the Pope has clearly overstepped the Vatican I definition of infallibility (in the satirical imagination of Eye of the Tiber).

    That being said satire only works if it’s based on reality and this Pope is a Pope of surprises. I wouldn’t put it past him to infallibly declare that the Vatican I definition of infallibility in invalid, just to spite the self-absorbed promethean neopelagians out there and leave us in a logical loop.

  4. Dr. Edward Peters says:

    Nutella was condemned at Second Lateran, no?

  5. Someone please be the Garrigue says:

    I think this must have come from Cardinal Danneels. “Ik heb me gisteren avond aan nutella overeten.” (tr. I stuffed my face with bread and chocolate last night and had way too much for my own good.)

  6. Torpedo1 says:

    I agree with his Holiness on this. It’s good, but frankly it isn’t great and I find it a bit too sweet. Though, I’ll admit it is very yummy on a toasted cinimon baggle. Thanks for the laughs though, I really needed them.

  7. Cavaliere says:

    Interesting story about the founder of Nutella who said

    As Michele Ferrero said at the celebration of the 50th anniversary of the founding of the company: “The success of Ferrero we owe to Our Lady of Lourdes, without her we can do little.” And indeed, a small statue of the Virgin is present in each of the Ferrero establishments worldwide.

    Each year he went on pilgrimage to Lourdes and often brought his employees there as well.

    http://aleteia.org/2015/02/17/nutella-founder-dies-said-secret-of-success-was-our-lady-of-lourdes/

  8. frahobbit says:

    It is not good to read a news article about Card. Turkson’s comments on birth control, immediately after reading EOTT. The time-space-continuum displacement made me question reality in those first few moments after reading the Cardinal’s comments. I kept scrolling up to check which website I was on.

  9. rdb says:

    This may be the best thing Pope Francis has ever written. For the three years that I lived in Rome, I could never understand the great good assigned to the overrated spread. Perhaps the Holy Father could send Missionaries of Mercy to Australia and do the same for Vegemite.

  10. HeatherPA says:

    Amen, Pope Francis.

    That stuff is so meh.

    Now, Vegemite, on the other hand…

  11. doodler says:

    Is Vegemite related to Marmite in the UK? If so the Missionaries of Mercy have another trip to make when they have cleaned up the Antipodes.

  12. Ariseyedead says:

    On the plus side, Pope Francis did prohibit a light show featuring Snickers bars that was to be projected on the side of a giant jar of Nutella in St. Peters square scheduled for Christmas Day.

  13. Mario Bird says:

    “A blow, expected, repeated, falling on a bruise, with no smart or shock of surprise,
    only a dull and sickening pain and the doubt whether another like it could be borne –
    that was how it felt…”

    –Evelyn Waugh

  14. Mariana2 says:

    Dr. Edward Peters says:

    “Nutella was condemned at Second Lateran, no?”

    Not to mention that Luther nailed 95 jars of Nutella to the church doors in Wittenberg.

  15. Ariseyedead says:

    Besides that, “Nutella” always had too much of a modernist ring to it. It would taste better had it been called Yeoldtella or tella antiquitor. Much more traditional sounding!!

  16. Luvadoxi says:

    Now if he had condemned Nocciolata, I’d be having a crisis of faith.

  17. iamlucky13 says:

    “It is not good to read a news article about Card. Turkson’s comments on birth control, immediately after reading EOTT. The time-space-continuum displacement made me question reality in those first few moments after reading the Cardinal’s comments. I kept scrolling up to check which website I was on.”

    In the article I read on this, he was reported to have tried to make clear that he was talking about natural family planning, not artificial birth control. To naturally space out births and maintain a family you can adequately care is acceptable and has been confirmed as such by several popes.

    However, he also was quoted as saying the Pope specifically called for families to restrict their sizes, which I’m unaware of him having ever said. “You don’t have to breed like rabbits” is clearly not the same as “You must not breed like rabbits.”

    Sorry, I know we’re off topic, but since it was brought up, it seemed worth a brief discussion.

  18. Ariseyedead says:

    Well, this whole thing about bringing up Card. Turkson in these here comments smells like a rabbit hole to me! As the cardinal might paraphrase the Holy Father “You must not breed rabbit holes!”

  19. trespinos says:

    Tweeps who follow the wonderfully witty and wise Carmelite friar, Frate Ezio Battaglia, must hope he does not see EOTT’s little joke, for fear the shock may cause him an infarction, abandoned devotee of Nutella that he is.

  20. Paulo says:

    I personally find Nutella evil: I can never eat only one tablespoon of that stuff…

  21. Paulo says:

    Since “giant jar of Nutella” was mentioned, I know one family who acquired a 5 kg jar of Nutella at our local Costco last year. A sight to behold!

  22. Andrew says:

    It was reported by MSM that a case of Nutella was spotted at St. Martha’s house in the Vatican right in front of the Pope’s door. Father Lombardi explained that the Pope knows nothing about its origin. An investigation suggests that Cdl. Pell may have been purchasing large amounts of the stuff for his own use. The Pope is going to appoint Cdl. Kasper and Cdl. Maradiaga to offer suggestions for a complete overhaul of Nutella purchases at the Vatican. However, Cdl. Maradiaga was seen spreading generous amounts of Nutella on his toast during his recent visit to Mexico. When pressed by a reporter about it, he simply replied: we have to take into account the diverse cultural context of each region. Cdl. Kasper thinks that Nutella should be widely available to everyone regardless of their religious affiliation especially to the people in the peripheries. “It’s the merciful thing to do”, he said.

  23. KateD says:

    I’ve decided it would be best to just not have that first taste of Nutella. It was offered to my 3 year old daughter when we were in Italy!?! Luckily, I was able to find an ex pat with a cupboard full of peanut butter. She was happy to loan me a jar, if I promised to send her some from America when I got back home….so we managed to avoid disaster there.

    Now that the children are older, they have admitted to having tried Nutella with some friends from school.

    We homeschool now. It’s just easier than trying to contend with all that they are exposed to in even a Catholic school.

  24. The Cobbler says:

    ‘As the cardinal might paraphrase the Holy Father “You must not breed rabbit holes!”’
    Now there’s a modern teaching I am going to dissent from!

  25. Rushintuit says:

    I regret that I cannot play along. I must not be much fun to be around. I suppose that I should allow myself to have a laugh or two every once in awhile.

    The tragic truth is that things are really bad in the Church and around the world. Pius XI should have consecrated Russia, but he never got around to it. The great war that was predicted by Our Lady began in his Pontificate. Pius XII consecrated Russia, but without the Bishops. John XXIII read the Secret and denounced the prophets of doom. Paul VI went to Fatima, not to consecrate Russia, but to use the enthusiasm of the setting to put forward a different agenda. John Paul I didn’t have the time do much of anything, reigning for only 33 days. John Paul II consecrated the world. Instead of surrounding himself with the Bishops to fulfill Heaven’s command, he surrounded himself with the representatives of non-Catholic religions to pray for world peace, “Christian” and pagans alike, at Assisi.

    Later, after more inter-religious prayer meetings, John Paul II would declare he did everything humanly possible regarding Fatima. In this he did not tell an untruth. John Paul II did do every thing humanly possible, but he never took Our Lady at her word to mention Russia by name in a Consecration surrounded by the world’s Bishops and thereby obtain peace in the world. Benedict XVI flip flopped on Fatima over the years, but he also failed to do Heaven’s will. Now we have Francis, the global warming Pope.

    We should have been living in a peaceful world since 1929. A world where abortion, contraception, clerical deviancy, divorce, armed conflicts and the rise of Islam never happened. In such a lighthearted world, humor would be the order of the day. Instead, the Popes have chosen to follow Moses and strike the rock twice.

  26. Mary Jane says:

    I just had a delicious thought…has anyone tried stirring a spoon of Nutella into their Mystic Monk coffee? Oh yum. I bet it would be good.

    A couple years ago we were given a stack of used children’s books; one of the books had activity pages mixed in with the story. One of these activity pages asked the child to “draw something you eat for breakfast”. The child who owned the book before us drew a (pretty good) jar of Nutella. :)

  27. Mary Jane says:

    Rushintuit, why only go back to 1929? Couldn’t we say we “should have been living in a peaceful world since _____ “? (Hey, “Creation” might even work in there).

    We have a Pope, we have the Church, we have the sacraments (Deo Gratias). We cling to the Barque of St. Peter, frequent the sacraments (especially confession), keep close to Jesus and Mary, and fulfill the duties of our state in life. Yes there is evil in this world and yes we live in troubled times. God makes no mistakes – we were meant to be born now, in this time, in this day and age, because God in His wisdom knew that it was in this time, in this day and age, that we would best be able to work out our salvation in fear and trembling.

    So, take heart. Rejoice. Make a mug of Mystic Monk coffee, scoop in a generous spoonful of Nutella if you want, and have a blessed Gaudete Sunday!

    Our Savior is coming.

  28. Imrahil says:

    Dear Rushintuit,

    maybe the contrary makes sense, rather.

    In such a peaceful world, maybe humour would be something you can do without. Still nice, but not strictly necessary.

    In the world such as she is, humour is a vital necessity no less than water is. Lord, give us this day our daily laugh.