A friend sent the following, which I have seen before. However, I am sure she thought I needed to see this today.
Subject: For all of us who appreciate a sense of humor…
It takes a university degree to fly a plane but only an
apprenticeship to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly
routinely in their jobs.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ Pilots
(marked with a P) and the Solutions Recorded (marked with an S) By
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And The Best One For Last !!
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel . Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
Well, it sure made my day! Thank you, Father.
I feel almost guilty for chortling so over the above remarks on Ash Wednesday! (Has anybody got a snappy “ground-crew” comeback for that one?)
Well…I have a college and grad degree, as well as an Airline Transport Pilot
certificate, Flight Instructor (primary and instrument) rating, Airframe and
Powerplant technician certificate…and work full time in the computer security
This has been circulating for a long time. It’s hanging up on the side of my
tool chest at the airport. It’s just as funny now as the first time I saw it
a long time ago.
The gospels tell us not to walk around with our heads lowered and so forth
when we’re doing penance, seeking the approval of our fellow man. Humor is
a gift He gave us…it’s the interior disposition that’s important.
Let’s all have a great Lent!
I’m a pilot and have noticed how that email about Qantas
seems to pop up every three years or so.
About the only one that is plausible (and anyone who has
grounded a plane will confirm this) is : “Can not reproduce
on the ground.”
Grateful for the laugh having spent the day in Accident & Emergency department!
In the x-ray department there was an unusual x-ray on the wall of an unusual shaped head containing a minute brain. It seemed familiar and after having faced it for an hour I realised what it was – an ‘x-ray’ of Homer Simpson’s head! I believe he comes from your side of the Atlantic.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
I like it.
Many years ago, I was told by a supervisor of the aircraft maintenance team, at a certain airport in the UK, of rather pompous young men who flew planes into England from Europe.
They all made a perfect landing, but the young pilots always had a long list of complaints.
The “faults”, they said, had to be rectified then and there, before they would fly the
aircaft back to Amsterdam, or wherever.
The maintenance crew never knew how to deal with these young men, but he did.
In his broad Scots accent, he would tell the young pilot :
“Laddie, if it could flee in, it can flee oot.
Now, I’m away to my dinner.”
He would then go off duty.
No aircraft ever crashed, or even came anywhere near to doing so.
After 12 hours at the hospital today anointing, giving communion, ashes, and saying Mass, this made my evening. Thanks!
Back in the 60’s I was an aircraft mechanic on C-119 in the USAF. One morning while standing on the flight line next to my aircraft with a group of pilots who were preparing to leave, the officer in charge as was usual, proceeded to give every one the correct time which he had just stopped at Base Opps to get. Looking at his watch as the second hand hit 12 he said something like it is now 0602 hack and every one pushed the button on their military watches so they all had the same time. Not wanting to miss the chance to stir the pot I pulled out my large gold Illinois railroad pocket watch and said Major it looks to me like you are running a little fast. He said, not to be out done and with all authority his rank would allow, Sergeant when these aircraft run on tracks I’ll ask you for the time. Every one got a kick from this banter as they started their engines filling the cool morning air with much smoke and noise preparing for their formation flight. Our C 119’s had props and two 28 cylinder gasoline engines.
I spent eight years flying in the Marine Corps and there was a saying:
The jets are designed by guys with doctorates,
are built by guys with masters,
are flown by guys with bachelors,
and maintianed by guys with high school diplomas (maybe).
Everyone in the aviation industry knows QANTAS had a crash. See:
QANTAS Management and PR worked overtime to present it as a non-fatal accident (nice spin). QANTAS spent an enormous amount of money restoring the airframe despite the fact that it was a write-off. A small amount to pay I guess to maintain the perception that QANTAS is the safest airline in the world.
If you read even the first page or two of that report, you’ll find that the crash was caused mostly by the ground conditions and pilot error. This really has nothing to do with the maintenance or the communication between the pilots and maintenance personnel. So, while it may be true that Qantas did indeed have a crash, it was unrelated to any questions that could be raised based on this.
Nice, i shared these with all my office buddies :)