June 23rd 2026
Dear Diary,
I’m still worn out from the meeting in Orlando. Damn its hot and humid there, not that I was out much. Still, all that time with endless talking, blah blah. The consecration thing was okay, but didn’t we do that before sometime?
Visited St. Mildred’s in Bellwether for the parish anniversary. Good lunch. Baked ham, potatoes with cheese, and three kinds of pie. I only tried two. Discipline.
Before Mass, three people asked me who the “new second priest” was. I told them I hadn’t sent anyone new and wondered what the VG had done without telling me. Again. Or maybe it was just a visitor? No, they said, he’s been here for several weeks. Decent guy, bald, glasses. Does pretty much everything Fr. Kevin does. They ment Kevin Muldoon.
Apparently the bald priest with glasses says the early Mass they just put on the schedule a while ago, especially for farmers and farm workers. Then, at the afternoon Mass, Fr. Kevin shows up. The new priest used the same vestments as Fr. Kevin. Same voice. Same homily, even same joke about the collection. Nobody knew his name. One lady thought he was a visiting mission preacher. Another said the two priests were brothers.
I asked Msgr. Tommy to investigate when he was at the chancery for something. We had lunch… Montecristo sandwiches. He stared at me for a long time and said, “It’s Fr. Kevin.”
“Which one?” “Both.”
Turns out Kevin is bald and he wears contacts. Who knew? In the morning he doesn’t bother with the rug and just wears his glasses. After the morning Mass he puts on a toupay. Tommy says he calls it “pastoral presentation” and it seems that the rug cost $1800 from some place in Chicago and that Kevin had the parish pay for it under evangelization expenses. I said that sounds creative. Tommy said it sounds like fraud.
Now that the word is getting out some wise guys at St, Mildred are requesting bulletin photographs for both priests. A guy on the parish council wants to call the early one “Father Kevin” and the later one “Father Kev.”
I suggested to Kevin that he has to pick one appearance. He asked which one. I said “whichever gets fewer complaints”.
Note: ask Finance if we can expense hair. I could get a rug – or some patches – for Chester.
I never understood nor do I understand the impetus against glasses. They make you look scholarly (the best thing) and they are a great prop… and they don’t sit of your eyeballs like some horrible torture device. As for the hair, I still have mine, however… cum carolino clero claro cano:
“Carmina clarisonae calvis cantate Camenae.
Cum crescit capitis cervicis calva corona,
Confortem cleri consignat confore calvum
Capturum claram, Christo cedente, coronam.”
https://la.wikisource.org/wiki/Eclogia_(Hucbaldus_S._Amandi)
Did the Lord +McButterpants try the chicken and beef but not veggie? That’s discipline.
I wonder if Fr. Kev and Fr. Kevin ever tag team a good cop-bad cop routine when the parishioners aren’t donating to a capital campaign. He probably thinks it looks really cool and illusory, when in reality he just like Gollum chatting with Smeagol—but with a toupee.
On glasses or not. When it come time to get cataract surgery, which I had a few years ago, I opted for the full implant and now have perfect vision. So my only expense for glasses is for sun glasses. Well worth the investment. No need to have to update one’s progressive glasses. Usually I need three: one for daily use, a backup pair when I travel and of course progressive sun glasses needed for driving. So all of those expenses are gone.
One other question. Why does not Fr. Kevin just wear a black zuchetto with his cassock? Much less expensive than a rug on the head.
On glasses or not. When it come time to get cataract surgery, which I had a few years ago, I opted for the full implant and now have perfect vision. So my only expense for glasses is for sun glasses. Well worth the investment. No need to have to update one’s progressive glasses. Usually I need three: one for daily use, a backup pair when I travel and of course progressive sun glasses needed for driving. So all of those expenses are gone.
One other question. Why does not Fr. Kevin just wear a black zuchetto with his cassock? Much less expensive than a rug on the head.