Little Red Riding Hood (Has a Gun)

Sometimes whimsical retellings of old yarns appear, such as Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

Here’s something amusing from the NRA Family page.

Little Red Riding Hood (Has a Gun)

Here are a couple excerpts:

Once upon a time, there was a young lady who lived with her parents at the edge of a wood. Her mother made her a riding cloak of red velvet, which she wore all winter long, so the people in her village called her Little Red Riding Hood.

One New Year’s day, Red awoke to learn that her grandmother wasn’t feeling well. She and her mother put together a basket of food to bring through the woods to her cottage, which lay on the other side.

Red loved the woods, and was happy to walk through them. Usually, there would only be the sunlight and the squirrels, but there was a dark side to the wood. There were shadows, there were beasts, and there could be danger. One birthday not long ago, Red was given her very own rifle and lessons on how to use it—just in case—to be sure that she would always be safe. So, with a kiss from her mother, rifle over her shoulder and a basket for her Grandmother in her hands, Red took a deep breath and entered the woods.

[…]

“I don’t talk to strangers,” Red replied, never straying from her path.

The wolf followed along, staying in the shelter of the trees, trying to get Red to respond. As she grew increasingly uncomfortable, she shifted her rifle so that it was in her hands and at the ready. The wolf became frightened and ran away.

[…]

Taking Grandmother by surprise, the wolf easily pushed past her and into her cottage. Grandmother turned so she was face-to-face with the wolf inside her cottage.

“What big eyes you have,” Grandma gasped as she backed away.

“The better to see you with,” replied the wolf.

“What big ears you have,” She turned, with her back to the door.

“The better to hear you with,” the wolf said, coming ever closer.

“What big teeth you have!” Grandma said, as his fierce jaws came near.

“The better to eat you with!” the wolf threatened.

The wolf leaned in, jaws open wide, then stopped suddenly. Those big ears heard the unmistakable sound of a shotgun’s safety being clicked off. Those big eyes looked down and saw that grandma had a scattergun aimed right at him. He realized that Grandmother hadn’t been backing away from him; she had been moving towards her shotgun to protect herself and her home.

“I don’t think I’ll be eaten today,” said Grandma, “and you won’t be eating anyone again.”

[…]