From “The Private Diary of Bishop F. Atticus McButterpants” – 23-02-24 Priests retiring.

24 Febuary ’23

Dear Diary,

DANG! Three more priests opting for retirement this year. Granted, one of them is 87 and another is 79, but they’re reliable and -more important – they don’t cause me a lot of trouble. They don’t stir the pot. They keep the bluehairs happy with their homilies and music choice. They’re even good bridge players, too. There’s no way I’m going to give St. Catherine dei Ricci (“Katie of the Rich”) to one of these punks who’ll try and bring in Latin and hellfire and cause me to get a bunch of letters. Good ol’ Billy has done such a good job keeping things quiet there for the past 20 years that I haven’t even had to go there for confirmation in about … 8 years?  Not that I’ve neglected them. I always go for their awesome Las Vegas night, and for Bruce’s summer clergy pool party.

Anyway, looks like I’m going to have to call up one of those bishops in Nigeria or India or Colombia to get us a few more priests to fill the slots. It’s a hassle with the immigration, but I don’t have to do the paperwork!  That’s the VG’s problem.  And Tommy’s!  HA!  I know some of these foreign guys are working the system although more and more of even the imports are preaching about sin and the Last Thing crap that get’s everyone upset.  What’s wrong with making people happy when they leave church?  Foreigners at least’ll keep these young priests I’ve got to deal with as associates – parocheal vicars, or whatever they called now! for a few more years. Hopefully until I retire. The next guy can deal with it.

Last thoughts about St. Katie’s.  I’ve never understood how Billy can have so few young people coming to the parish, but always manages to get four or five good-looking college guys to serve drinks poolside at his parties.  Nice kids.