Discovery of a new element!

From a priest reader:

New Element Discovered

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium , an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

May God help us survive this growing mass before it becomes a black hole that sucks us all in.

Scary stuff.

About Fr. John Zuhlsdorf

Fr. Z is the guy who runs this blog. o{]:¬)
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  1. LOL!, I’ve heard this one before, never gets old, but then again, i love physics and math :)

  2. Ruth Lapeyre says:

    Cute, very cute!

  3. Make me a Spark says:

    I am still ROTFLM butt off–thanks soooo much!


  4. Bryan says:

    Having worked, as a gummint contractor a few times in my career, for both small and massive money-sucking organs of the military-industrial complex, I think the author is slightly misstating (he’s off by at least 100% too low) of the incredible weight of this new element.

    It not only slows down reactions, it’s been known to bring them to a crashing halt and setting the reaction back at least 3 or 4 steps in the cookbook.


  5. Joan Ellen says:

    Thank you Fr. This blog never fails to amaze me for the answers we get to so many puzzling things. I knew there was something terribly wrong. Now it’s perfectly clear.

  6. Willebrord says:

    Yikes, I actually was believing it, and was considering telling my whole family. Until I noticed the words “When catalyzed with money…” which started me reading it all over again.


  7. Rancher says:

    I wish the half life of the current governmentium was just a few seconds….that way the current nightmare would have been over by now. I believe this new element, governmentium as you call it, may give rise to a resurrection of an old element—revolutionamentum.

  8. Steve K. says:


    And I LOL as a federal civil servant (somewhere around the rank of assistant deputy neutron).

  9. Paul M says:

    No surprise that they use Lawrence Livermore Labs. We have so many morons (in state govt.) and peons (regular people). At least the Church is in good shape here….um… least the Church still exists here. I shall say no more………

  10. Trevor says:

    I believed this until I got to the “moron” particle…I totally missed the “deputy neutrons”…

    Now I have to go back to by science textbooks and cry myself to sleep.

  11. Father Totton says:

    The Homeschoolers are having their science fair in the parish hall tonight. I wonder how I can share news of this discovery with them!

  12. So that’s what the super collider discovered …

  13. Old Bob says:

    Dear Father Z, I last looked at a periodic table in the spring of 1961 or so, so I’m not surprised they have found a new element. By the way, I have it on Indisputable Authority that the name of the scientist is Murphy . . . yes, that Murphy.

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