FLASH! Obi-Wan Kenobi Is Dead, Vader Says

In the “Outer Rim Territories” section of the Galactic Empire Times, we find this article.  My emphases and comments.

Be sure to go to the GET and spike their stats.

Obi-Wan Kenobi Is Dead, Vader Says

Published: May 9, 2011

CORUSCANT — Obi-Wan Kenobi, the mastermind of some of the most devastating attacks on the Galactic Empire and the most hunted man in the galaxy, was killed in a firefight with Imperial forces near Alderaan, Darth Vader announced on Sunday.  [I am sure that there was dancing in the halls of the Death Star.]

In a late-night appearance in the East Room of the Imperial Palace, Lord Vader declared that “justice has been done” as he disclosed that agents of the Imperial Army and stormtroopers of the 501st Legion had finally cornered Kenobi, one of the leaders of the Jedi rebellion, who had eluded the Empire for nearly two decades. Imperial officials said Kenobi resisted and was cut down by Lord Vader’s own lightsaber. He was later dumped out of an airlock.

The news touched off an extraordinary outpouring of emotion as crowds gathered in the Senate District and outside the Imperial Palace, waving imperial flags, cheering, shouting, laughing and chanting, “Hail to the Emperor! Hail Lord Vader!” In the alien protection zone, crowds sang “The Ten Thousand Year Empire.” Throughout the Sah’c district, airspeeder drivers honked horns deep into the night.

“For over two decades, Kenobi has been the Jedi rebellion’s leader and symbol,” the Lord of the Sith said in a statement broadcast across the galaxy via HoloNet. “The death of Kenobi marks the most significant achievement to date in our empire’s effort to defeat the rebel alliance. But his death does not mark the end of our effort. There’s no doubt that the rebellion will continue to pursue attacks against us. We must and we will remain vigilant at home and abroad.”

Obi-Wan Kenobi ’s demise is a defining moment in the stormtrooper-led fight against terrorism, a symbolic stroke affirming the relentlessness of the pursuit of those who turned against the Empire at the end of the Clone Wars. What remains to be seen, however, is whether it galvanizes Kenobi’s followers by turning him into a martyr or serves as a turning of the page in the war against the Rebel Alliance and gives further impetus to Emperor Palpatine to step up Stormtrooper recruitment.

In an earlier statement issued to the press, Kenobi boasted that striking him down could make him “more powerful than you could possibly imagine.” [Yah.. right.]

How much his death will affect the rebel alliance itself remains unclear. For years, as they failed to find him, Imperial leaders have said that he was more symbolically important than operationally significant because he was on the run and hindered in any meaningful leadership role. Yet he remained the most potent face of terrorism in the Empire, and some of those who played down his role in recent years nonetheless celebrated his death.

Given Kenobi’s status among radicals, the Imperial Galactic government braced for possible retaliation. A Grand Moff of the Imperial Starfleet said late Sunday that military bases in the core worlds and around the galaxy were ordered to a higher state of readiness. The Imperial Security Bureau issued a galactic travel warning, urging citizens in volatile areas “to limit their travel outside of their local star systems and avoid mass gatherings and demonstrations.”

The strike could deepen tensions within the Outer Rim, which has periodically bristled at Imperial counterterrorism efforts even as Kenobi evidently found safe refuge it its territories for nearly two decades. Since taking over as Supreme Commander of the Imperial Navy, Lord Vader has ordered significantly more strikes on suspected terrorist targets in the Outer Rim, stirring public anger there and leading to increased criminal activity.

When the end came for Kenobi, [NB…] he was found not in the remote uncharted areas of Wild Space and the Unknown Regions, where he has long been presumed to be sheltered, but in a massive compound about an hour’s drive west from the Tatooine capital of Bestine. He had been living under the alias “Ben” Kenobi for some time.  [Sneak.]

The compound, only about 50 miles from the base of operations for the Imperial Storm Squadron, is at the end of a narrow dirt road and is roughly eight times larger than other homes in the area, which were largely occupied by Tusken Raiders. When Imperial operatives converged on the planet on Saturday, following up on recent intelligence, two local moisture farmers “resisted the assault force” and were killed in the middle of an intense gun battle, a senior Stormtrooper said, but details were still sketchy early Monday morning. [I wonder if there were any mechanical problems.]

A representative of the Imperial Starfleet said that military and intelligence officials first learned last summer that a “high-value target” was hiding somewhere on the desert world and began working on a plan for going in to get him. Beginning in March, Lord Vader worked closely with a series of several different Admirals serving onboard the Death Star to go over plans for the operation, and on Friday morning gave the final order for members of the 501st Legion (known commonly as “Vader’s Fist”) to strike.

Kenobi and a group of his followers were eventually captured while fleeing the system, and taken aboard the Death Star, which was in the midst of surveying the recent environmental disaster on Alderaan. Darth Vader called it a “targeted operation,” although officials said four tie fighters were lost because of “mechanical failures” and had to be destroyed to keep them from falling into hostile hands.

In addition to Kenobi, two men and one wookiee were killed, one believed to be his young apprentice and the other two his couriers, according to an admiral who briefed reporters under Imperial ground rules forbidding further identification. A woman was killed when she was used as a shield by a male combatant, the Admiral said. Two droids were also reported missing.

“No Stormtroopers were seriously harmed,” Lord Vader said. “They took care to avoid civilian casualties. After a firefight, I defeated my former master and took custody of his body.” Jedi tradition requires burial within 24 hours, but by doing it in deep space, Imperial authorities presumably were trying to avoid creating a shrine for his followers.

Lord Vader has denied requests to present photographs of the body, describing them as “too gruesome” for the general public.

Some of you might be skeptical about the reporting, and even about the tone of the report.  You may suspect that the news is being skewed by some ideology.

I find your lack of faith disturbing.

About Fr. John Zuhlsdorf

Fr. Z is the guy who runs this blog. o{]:¬)
This entry was posted in Lighter fare, The Drill and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.


  1. Centristian says:

    “[Actually, there are a couple people with keys to the command center…]”

    I believe it. What have you done with Father Z?

  2. Geoffrey says:

    I have a bad feeling about this…

  3. BaedaBenedictus says:

    Darth Vader/Dark Sidious = Obama/Osama, I get it!

    But where is Darth Cheney in all of this? ;-)

  4. BaedaBenedictus says:

    *Darth Sidious, not Dark Sidious

  5. Dr. Eric says:




  6. Cristero says:

    They sent in troopers from the 501st (Vader’s Fist) when there was perhaps a closer Legion? I thought the 501st was based on Earth? Why send them to a galaxy far, far away?

    Will there be a Death Certificate? Will I have to become a “death-er”?

    So many questions….

  7. benedetta says:

    Darth Vader, “There is no ‘try’. Only do.”

  8. Sword40 says:

    Dear Fr. Z,
    Things must be awfully quiet to pursue this “quaint” thread. Cute as it is, I can’t get “into it”.

    Waiting for Friday and some news from our Archdiocese regarding our FSSP requests.

  9. LauraL says:

    Clever – but the analogy falls apart in that in one story you had a good-guy-bad-guy fight, and in the other it was bad-guy-really-bad-guy fight… in which the bad guy didn’t really fight but allowed one of his commanders to do his work for him.

  10. ContraMundum says:

    I’ve never been convinced by the attempt to claim Kenobi’s handle was “Obi-Wan” rather than “OB1” (or possibly “0B1”).

  11. ContraMundum says:

    I have to agree with LauraL. Vader may have been a bad guy, but he took on Kenobi in hand-to-hand combat, and he went against the Rebel fighters in his own personal fighter. Even if he were “more machine than man”, the part of him that was man was still a MAN.

    It has been a long, long time since we have had a president remotely like that. I suspect Teddy Roosevelt would not have hesitated to put himself in harm’s way, and I know that, for all his faults, Andrew Jackson *WAS* that way — he threatened to lead armies personally and refused to believe that any American president would every be so unmanly as to employ bodyguards — but most of the others are suspect, to say the least.

    In “Hot Shots: Part Deux”, the former admiral and current president *personally* goes on a rescue mission to save American servicemen being held by Saddam Hussein. He may have been a real nut job, but I would have found it almost impossible not to vote for him.

  12. Marc says:

    Obi-Wan Kenobi has been dead for a long time. This is all a ploy by the Palpatine Administration to get a boost in the pools.

  13. Marc says:

    I mean polls (not pools)

  14. Use the Force, Luke!

  15. Prof. Basto says:

    Very funny! A clever piece!

    But actually, I think this will upset lots of people. The U.S. is compared to the Galactic Empire and Al-Qaeda to the Jedi and the Rebel Alliance? Clearly, in order to make this piece and not to give up the joke the writer had to concede to invert the poles of the good guys/bad guys relations.

    People with a less generous sense of humour will not like having the good guys of Star Wars (the Rebels) compared to Al-Qaeda and having the evil Galactic Empire compared to America.

    But if people are able to overlook that political incorrectness, then they will be able to have some fun reading the piece. [Some people lack a sense of humor. I am glad we are not like that. o{];¬) Thank you, O Lord, for not making us like those humorless people. We post twice as many funny things as we have to every day.]

  16. Stephen Matthew says:

    If you like this, go look up the video “Troops”.


  17. EWTN Rocks says:

    This is very funny Fr. Z, although I have to admit the first time I read it through I thought “huh”? (toward the end of the week, my brain cells are fried!)

  18. BaedaBenedictus says:

    This reminds me of two hilarious videos—this parody has been done before!

    Stormtroopers marking the anniversary of the Galactic 9/11


  19. BaedaBenedictus says:

    And my favorite—because it’s real!

    Imperial stormtroopers hunting down a Jedi terrorist cell on the New York subway:


  20. EWTN Rocks says:

    BaedaBenedictus, both are funny videos – thanks for posting the links!

  21. Prof. Basto says:

    If Obama is Lord Vader, then who is Emperor Palpatine?

    Joe Lieberman? But he is not a member of the Administration…

  22. lethargic says:

    I thought the comments were even better than the main piece.

Comments are closed.