Today is National Talk Like Shakespeare Day!
In honor of this day, I urge you to speak in iambic pentameter and use words like “fleer”, “prithee”, and “guerdon”.
In honor of this banner day, anniversary most auspicious, I have in the past posted some dramatic tidbits.
Here is this year’s offering:
A Tragikal Hystory
ACT I. White House Rose Garden.
(Flash bulbs and journalists. Enter three Witches.)
When shall we three meet once more
in controversy and in war.
When the Magisterium’s done
when Obama’s lost or won.
In November we’ll have done.
Where the place?
There Dolan to meet.
Tom Fox calls.
Fair is four and foul is fair.
So is the L.C.W.R.
SCENE 2 (Enter White House minions and spokesman CARNEY.)
Silence all! Let awestruck stillness reign,
for Fairness must descend again upon
this realm where rich, rapacious, take from poor
and poor their heavy shackles off must throw.
The President Most High shall speak
before plen’ry of U. S. C. C. B.
Bow your heads, and knees bend as to god.
Himself enters. Let all be overawed.
Give trust to POTUS now. All hail Obama.
Friends, unions, newsies, lend me your polls.
Let wealth of those who work absorbéd be
in programs leveling. Bring th’employed low!
Rise up ye unemployed and occupy!
Redistributed must money be
‘til Fairness is imposed, Obama’s will.
Where be these nuns of doctrine alternate,
the male prelates uppity to scorn?
We would have them cringing by our side,
the bishops of the Catholic Church to chide.
Come here and still your voices grating, crones.
Useful have ye been in all my plots,
O dupes of trappings worldly. Leave you now
those powers Roman and reforméd be.
Place now your hands beneath my waiting shoe
your fealty to swear, to C.N.N. and me.
ENTER DOLAN (to the sound of clanking)
Howya doin’ pal? Hi! Hey, you too!
Glad I am to be here! How’s it goin’?
Ah! Obama! Mister President!
Long since in Office Oval were we met.
Tell us before these mic and camera banks:
Woulds’t thou, incumbent, civil rights erode?
Never think we Catholics shall comply!
Nuns thou hast, of L.C.W.R.,
but God is on our side, and civic law.
Dars’t thou, sirrah, Cardinal though thou be
question here my dark theology?
Twenty years sat I with mine ear bent
to preaching liberational from forth
the lips of one who did not flinch to hurl
harsh curses and revilement on our folk,
this nation great once under one sole god.
Cardinals and bishops may embench
in councils sour, my rulings to defy.
My ministrix of Heath and Services,
Sabellian mayhaps, and heretic,
has writ that thine objecting cohorts dress’d
in purple gowns must swiftly knuckle down
with all thy conference. Make it so, I say!
Make no mistake. I say my will be done!
A scholar constitutional am I,
as thine own institutions gladly hail.
Did Jenkins, in the famous marian halls
of learning high, obsequious with praise,
on my most worthy neck not mantle drape?
These nuns thou seest here gath’red at my back
before the cameras still and video,
attest to Magisterium apart,
no role for bishops left. Thou shalt comply
or see both Church and clergy slowly die.
Seek paths obedient or feel my wrath.
Yadda yadda. Should I be impressed?
Take this my chin protruding as a sign
that Catholic bishops never shall resign
our mandate sacred for thy dictates foul
though nuns dissenting nag and sisters howl.
We bishops are united. Hast thou seen?
Sixteenth polled I in last TIME magazine.
Allies to our cause have countless thronged
of leanings evangelic and beyond.
With protests and the phrase to ears most sweet
e’en they proclaim “we are all Catholics now”.
Clout have we. Our pulpits will resound
as well as Twitter tweeting doctrines true.
Myriad bloggers bent on thy defeat,
shall herald truth and hold thee to account.
In blogger firmament most spherical
one stands as bulwark ‘gainst the perfidies
which our Amendment, primary in list,
you undermine with every word and act.
Thou know’st of whom I speak. The bearer of
the letter last of all but ampersand,
that cleric, low, by liberals most scorned,
by fish wrappers reviled. And, yay,
for shame by some few prelates shun’d.
Let them repent. Though last of all and least
he hopes by Gospel’s promise to be first.
O priest most pesky! We shall call the I.R.S.
with microscopes to come, him to oppress.
Chains and taxes shall ye all endure
once internet is banned to such as he,
whose status shall be lower than a “Zed”.
Do not, Obama, from the matter stray.
Unanimous we are and set and strong.
Thou shalt not violate our liberty for long.
O Cardinal of Gotham! Bishop arch!
Thou of Republicans a mindless tool!
Thou art not “Fair”! Thou scorn’st the poor!
Thou Fairness spurn and women do oppress!
But I am in command here, and I say,
“Fiat, Fiat!” I shall have my way.
EXEUNT OBAMA AND RETINUE. (Trumpets)
O that I might in seminary be
as rector affable, away from false
and dreadful politik, dour, dark and sly.
But in these days the lot to me has come
to guide a conference in times perturb’d.
No compromise shall bishops give or yield.
We cannot and we will not now comply
to President Obama’s orders rank.
Orders of nuns and sisters though there be,
who fleer and scorn and mock authority
of men to whom God gives that heavy charge
of office apostolic with the trust
of Magisterium clear, sound and true.
They gave themselves to service of Our Lord.
Gradually in worldly pomps they lost
their way, forgot obedience’s vow.
They must reforméd be. The C.D.F.
by means of letters patent have made plain
we must explain their situation new.
I pray the graying gals will not rebel
and seek some dodge through tricks canonical.
If that were not enough to trouble sleep,
there slithers ‘against th’ Amendment prime
Obama’s serpent, mandate H.H.S.
Unwilling must I stand in spotlight bright
to raise to God our urgent prayers and plight.
(Enter Witches, with tambourines.)