I’ve been giving a lot of thought to Pope Francis’ war on new cars for priests and religious. HERE.
I saw this in an article in the Vatican’s underground satirical newspaper LA CIPOLLA:
Priests far and wide are now under attack because of make and model and year of their cars. [Well… some are.]
If it is a blue car, parishioners exclaim, “Why not grey car, Father?” If it is a 2003, “Shouldn’t you have a 2002?” If it is an import, they snort, “Why not an Italian car?” If it is domestic, “Wouldn’t a Honda have been cheaper?”, they shout and wave a fist.
Complaints are overwhelming the in-boxes of diocesan bishops! The Holy See’s Congregation of Clergy will soon have to add personnel just to handle the complaints! It’s getting out of hand!
Concerning. Portentous. This is a sign of things to come, mark my words!
Therefore, as a service to my brother priests, many of whom are filled with anxiety about their wheels, I offer this helpful resource.
Here is a sample letter which all priests world-wide should fill out and send to Pope Francis:
Some of my parishioners/my staff/my nasty anonymous letter writers have invoked Your Holiness’ name in criticizing me and the vehicle which I presently drive.
I have taken your criticism to heart, but cannot determine whether or not my vehicle is appropriate for my state in life and situation.
I humbly petition Your Holiness’ assistance in judging this vital pastoral matter.
For Your Holiness’ opportune knowledge and judgment, I submit hereunder details about my vehicle:
– I am a diocesan priest
– My vehicle is a [color], [year], [make], [model]
– The vehicle has [number] miles/km
– The vehicle gets [number] miles/km per gallon
– I purchased it in [year], for [amount]/I was given the vehicle by [whom]/etc.
– The average income of my parishioners/those in the area I reside is [amount]
– In my country, 89% of households own one or more vehicles. Approximately [number]% of my parishioners own vehicles.
– The condition of my vehicle would be classified as: [condition]
– I drive [miles] per week in order to carry out my ministry
– [enter any other pertinent information here – i.e. the need for a four-wheel-drive vehicle due to a region possessed of heavy snow/rough terrain/etc.]
Your Holiness, may I beg the honor of a rescript regarding my choice of vehicle?
I am grateful for your time in considering my case and, in advance, for the pastoral advice you may deign to offer in this pastoral situation.
In filial affection and promising prayers for Your Holiness, I am sincerely in Christ
Okay… at this point I must inform priests out there, reading this with great attention, that I AM KIDDING. I can picture Fr. Scruplespoon at Our Lady Queen of Kneelers dutifully filling this out and sending it in.
This model letter is actually intended only for bishops.