2016: Ecumenical Exchange Program with winged Mayan snake god Kukulkan

Everyone knows that The Onion is one of the best and mostly highly respected news sources available.   You might not recall this story from back in 2016.

It seems that the Amazon Synod has been on the minds of many in the Vatican for a few years.

Pope Francis Hosts Feathered Serpent God As Part Of Deity Exchange Program

The story:

VATICAN CITY—In an effort to strengthen their relationship and foster interfaith dialogue, Pope Francis reportedly [It’s just a rumor?] welcomed the winged Mayan snake god Kukulkan to the Vatican this week as part of a month-long deity exchange program. “We are excited to have the War Serpent staying here with us for the next four weeks, during which time he’ll be exposed to the rituals and customs of the Catholic Church, so that when he returns home he can share the experience with his adherents in Chichén Itzá and the surrounding Yucután communities,” said Vatican spokesperson Greg Burke, noting that the pontiff had taken Kukulkan out for pizza on the first night of the exchange before showing him around some of Rome’s most famous landmarks. “Once Kukulkan gets settled in, the pope plans to let him answer some basic prayers on his own, as well as try performing a transubstantiation or two. And perhaps toward the end of his stay, if he’s feeling up to it, Kukulkan can treat us all to an authentic human sacrifice.” Vatican sources confirmed that as part of the exchange, God Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, would be spending the next month with the Taoist thunder god Lei Gong in the cloud kingdom over Tibet.

Hmmm… they got it wrong, I think, even backwards.  Aren’t we supposed to be the ones learning from Kukulkan?  Or, these days, that whatsherface demonic totem Pachamama?

Well… it’s all human sacrifice, right?  Kukulkan… Pachamama… it’s nothing to get your heart ripped out for and shown to you while still beating.  Right?


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  1. Kathleen10 says:

    It’s pretty eerie, because it’s not far off. The Onion can be hilarious.
    As far as what the pope did in the Vatican garden, presiding over a pagan ceremony and blessing idols and pagans, it’s like aliens landed in Times Square, came out of the ship and sung show tunes, and the next day nobody mentioned it. What he did changed everything. Even if we didn’t see the human rep for Pachamama, the chick in yoga gear who danced down the Catholic church aisle holding aloft sacred scripture, lifted on a litter at the altar in a disgraceful display that anyone, Catholic or pagan, ought to understand is an insult to almighty God or was at the least presumptuous in a host religious house, or see a photo highlighted at that church of an Amazon woman suckling a beast in a bizarre reversal of Romulus and Remus, fitting because who knows what’s going to become of Rome. The human sacrifice we have every day in Planned Parenthood clinics around the world. We sacrifice our wee babies, and those apostates in Rome are too busy chasing their own stinking agenda to notice.

  2. kurtmasur says:

    The sad part is that under Francis, this type of satire is not funny…. in fact, it’s very realistic. It might even give Francis and his cronies new ideas. Yikes….

  3. PostCatholic says:

    You may have missed this moment of levity a few months ago.


  4. The Astronomer says:

    It makes me sad, angry, incredulous, and also go a little nuts to think we’re possibly witnessing the birth pangs of the Great Apostasy. Somewhere in the World, the one known as the “Man of Perdition” has a huge grin on his face.)

    Recite the Prayer of the Angel at Fatima daily:

    “Most Holy Trinity – Father, Son and Holy Spirit- I adore Thee profoundly. I offer Thee the most precious Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Jesus Christ, present in all the tabernacles of the world, in reparation for the outrages, sacrileges, and indifferences whereby He is offended. And through the infinite merits of His Most Sacred Heart and the Immaculate Heart of Mary, I beg of Thee the conversion of poor sinners.”

  5. Clinton R. says:

    Sigh. If it only was satire. For more on our pagan worshiping pontiff:


    Let us pray to St. Peter, that he may intercede for his successor. +JMJ+

  6. Semper Gumby says:

    This Onion bit is rather amusing (though I understand The Astronomer and Kathleen10).

    Maybe The Onion will write a new piece for 2019 and the Amazon Synod. The pagan rituals, “Tucum” ring and amulet, idols, odd denizens of pagan land wandering around- this Synod sort of resembles a Dungeons & Dragons adventure.

    Perhaps Cardinal Sarah on a warhorse (better yet, on a Papal Bull) will gallop through the streets of Rome and with the Holy Shillelagh of St. Cuthbert show the pagans who’s Boss. The Great Roman will then lead the crowd of grateful peasants to a Mead Hall (Roman cafes are great, but every beleaguered city needs a Mead Hall) for tankards of ale and “Non Nobis.” For the Victory Feast that blessed Catholic invention: pizza.

  7. mattg says:

    There is a strange cultural undercurrent eroding our sanity. Scott Adams calls it the Parody Inversion Point.


    Parody and reality have become one in the same.

  8. matt from az says:

    I’m not sure why everyone is up in arms about Pope Francis and this pagan stuff. John Paul II, allegedly “The Great,” kissed the Quran, participated in a pagan smoke ceremony rather than using the Confiteor in Australia, cavorted with Hindus… the list goes on. The point is that the hero of the neo-conservatives, SAINT John Paul The Great, did stuff just as crazy as Pope Francis. Not only did our conservative friends defend John Paul II, they slaughtered traditionalists in the Catholic Conservative press. They were vastly superior to us because they were intelligent enough to reconcile paganism with the papacy. We were in schism (or on a trajectory toward schism) for being the type of rubes who found a pope gallivanting with pagans too dissonant with history and doctrine as understood up to that point. But it was all subject to change as all timeless teachings of the Church are.
    TL;DR: John Paul II crossed the line in the 80s and 90s. When we criticized him, we were declared evil. His antics cleared the way for Francis. Thank the neo-cons for doing liberals’ dirty work.

  9. Semper Gumby says:

    matt from az wrote:

    “I’m not sure why everyone is up in arms about Pope Francis and this pagan stuff.”

    Obviously, given your tendentious comment. Sincere best wishes as you continue to research thoughtfully on these matters.

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