ASK FATHER: How to make a “Trinitini” Martini for Trinity Sunday and avoid committing heresy?

QUAESITUM EST:

We are planning to have a special drink for the potluck to commemorate today’s Feast of the Trinity.

We were planning to do a “Trinitini”, a Martini with three olives to represent the three Persons in the One Triune God.

However, just want to check that we wouldn’t be falling into any heresy (e.g., Arianism, Partialism, Modalism, Tritheism…) by doing so.

What would you suggest? One olive? Three?

I respond saying that, in the matter of Martinis, heresy is very bad.

That said, let’s solve this problem.  In advance, I consulted a highly credentialed theologian to sort this out and to check my work.  No, really, I did.

The first thing we have to deal with is the notion of “making” a Trinitini.  We have to stipulate that, in this vale of tears (with which, of mine enemies, I sometimes will flavor my Martinis) the Trinitini can’t make itself.

To make a non-heretical Trinitini, you must “make” three Martinis simultaneously, from the same gin, in a pitcher.  TO SERVE: Pour them, simultaneously but distinctly by measure, remembering that, in the West,* the second measure comes from the first and the third measure comes from both the first two, into one large well-chilled glass such that you have the three Martinis in one glass which has three garnishes.  The three garnishes, for the three Martinis in one glass, symbolize the three missions of the Martinis.  So, the Trinitini will have its lemon twist (a “Perfect” Martini), its pickled onion (which has layers), and its olive (without stuffing).  Hence, in the one glass containing the three Martinis would be the distinction of the three-in-one nature of each Martini, each sharing in the same nature but distinct, and all working together in everything, but with different missions.

I believe that would avoid most of the heresies listed above.

And, please, serve straight up.

“But Father! But Father!”, some of you doubters are now mewling, don’t you know that a Martini with an onion is really a Gibson?!?  You are a heretic by introducing into the Trinity different kind of … um… you know… it’s a… YOU HATE VATICAN II!”

Dear skeptic, be not afeared.  The combined identity of the Martini with onion (which has layers) and the Gibson underscores the two natures in Christ.

Moreover, do not be concerned with the issue of the “blending” of the three Martinis as they are simultaneously and distinctly poured.  This is taken care of by the concept of perichoresis.  The relationship of the three Martinis in one Trinitini is like a “dance” which realizes both their oneness and threeness in an interpenetration leaving them nevertheless distinct. (Cf. John 17:21: “That they may all be one; even as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be in us”.)  Do not doubt that the Spirit is present.  And, that they may all be in us, pour carefully.

QUAERITUR: Would it be okay to substitute a hot pepper for the olive?
RESPONSE: Affirmative.  And it could be appropriate so long as the heat of the pepper doesn’t distract overly from the flavor of the other two garnishes.

On the vital issue of shaking or stirring.

It is okay to make the three Martinis by stirring (cf. perichoresis… circumincession), but not… NOT… by shaking.    Quod Deus avertat.

Lastly, it seems to me that, given what we can tell of God’s sense of humor, the Trinitini should be dry.

With that, it’s time for Vespers.

*There is an question about Eastern Trinitinis.  I’m not sure this is doable but one might have to try to pour the third measure from the first, but through the second measure.   I’m skeptical.  And THAT might just give added proof, pun intended, to the Filioque.