From “The Private Diary of Bishop F. Atticus McButterpants” – 23-09-12 – Request that relic of St. Jude’s Arm be brought to Diocese of Libville

EDITOR’s NOTE: There is a reference to an USA Today article about the Relic of the Arm of St. Jude the Apostle, which is presently being brought to parishes through the ministry of Fr. Carlos Martins of Treasures of the Church.  The USA Today article is: HERE.  +F.Atticus really did read it, it seems.

My friend Fr. Martin’s tells me of a reported miracle.

September 12, 2023

Dear Diary,

I got a letter yesterday from Fr. Simple at St. Jude Thaddeus Parish in Bent-Straight. It seems Rome has sent the “arm” of St. Jude the Apostle to America. Only God knows why.  Is it because Rome thinks America’s an “impossible cause”?  That’s what Jude’s famous for, right?   Is the Nuncio behind this?

Anyway, Simple’s asking for permission to host the ghastly thing at his parish. I rolled my eyes so much I almost choked on the martini olive I was chewing. Why would anyone have anything to do with old, nasty bones? Aren’t we supposed to bury the dead? Isn’t that one of the works of glory?  Fr. must really want this thing. He sent along a bottle of Remy Martin XO with his letter. How does he know I love the stuff?  I know he’s bribing me. Then again, being bribed is part of a bishop’s perks. It’s his job to discern which bribes God wants him to take. And that is easier said than done.

Why would Simple want to celebrate the bones of the dead?  The only bone I want to see is the one sticking out of a tomahawk steak.  Maybe a rack of ribs too.

Simple was part of the first batch of seminarians I ordained twelve years ago. Much too serious a guy.  For his first assignment, I placed him with my wonderful liturgist, Fr. Campy, to loosen him up. Campy, now there’s a happy priest. The happiest.  Lots of musical instruments at his Masses, lot of dancing, and clapping.  Makes people happy. Plen di joy as the Mexican’s say.  Campy tried his best with Simple, but admitted that no matter how hard he tried, Simple could not be reached.  I’m told he even uses Latin.

Anyway, Fr. Tommy turned on my computer this morning and showed my the article about the arm’s tour in USA Today. There’s stories about a HEALING on day one of the tour.

If I allow the relics here, some reporter will call and ask for a statement about what I hope to achieve with it. Relics ended with Vatican II thank God!  I’ll never put relics in altars anymore. Good riddance. They gross me out. Not that I’m consecrating lots of altars these days.  More like taking them out!

I was going to tell Simple no, absolutely not. Relics have no place in the Church.
But, it’s like he read my mind or something. Today, Simple sent another request along with a box of Padrón 80 years maduro cigars. A box! These suckers are like $40 a stick! I can just see Dozer’s face when I pull one out and light it in front of him. He’ll gag on his Macanudo.  I know Simple’s playing dirty. Still, I suppose I could give him this one. He did spend a small fortune on these gifts, and seeing Dozer gag on a cheap stogie is delightful.

I can just see Simple’s face light up when I say yes.  Could pay off in the future, too.   He’ll owe me one, big time.   Orrr… if I hold out, maybe he send more stuff and I could pass it along to the Nuncio….  Complicated.  Bones … so disgusting.

Will I be expected to go?  I hate to create work, but I better tell Tommy to make sure my schedule is full whatever day that is on the other side of the diocese.

Hey!  Maybe Jude will fill in?

Must ask Tommy if the bone is going to Black Duck.