BREAKING: Remnant and Fishwrap to MERGE!

In the wake of the collapse of Crux comes this recent report from the often amusing Eye Of The Tiber about the Fishwrap (aka National Schismatic Reporter) and The Remnant (aka The Remnant).

Breaking: The Remnant Newspaper, National Catholic Reporter To Merge

The Remnant Newspaper and The National Catholic Reporter announced yesterday that they have entered into a merger agreement to create a new entity called The National Remnant Reporter.

The organization will become the third-largest Catholic reporting organization in North America and the sixth-largest in the world.

As part of the agreement, former Reporter employees will no longer be permitted to write articles that contain more than 95 percent garbage, while Remnant employees will be asked to sign a form acknowledging that Pope Francis is not the Beast as foretold in the Book of Revelation. The USCCB will add an additional $1,000,000 into the new company to make sure the merger goes through.

“We really don’t have the money to spare, but this is a priority and an opportunity we cannot miss,” said USCCB representative Alex Puente. “I mean, how awesome would it be to witness the chaos if this thing actually goes through. That would be the best money we’ve spent in decades.”

Puentes later said in a press release, “By bringing together these two newspapers through this transaction, we are hoping to create a strong platform for Catholic humor for years to come. The combined brands will increase the level of madness in the Church. We have the utmost respect for both companies, and greatly look forward to taking, what has up till now been freaking hilarious combox feuds, to a more face-to-face and personal level, with everything recorded and posted on youtube for everyone’s viewing pleasure.”

I, for one, shall have a weekly column.

About Fr. John Zuhlsdorf

Fr. Z is the guy who runs this blog. o{]:¬)
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12 Responses to BREAKING: Remnant and Fishwrap to MERGE!

  1. arcanum_divinae says:

    A nice backdoor way to remove the word “Catholic” from their masthead! :)

  2. anilwang says:

    I cringe when I read that. Yes I know it’s humour, but I picture something akin to parliament with the readership being replacing the speaker of the house.

    I don’t know if American or British parliaments (which are also governed by Roberts rules of order) are as cringe-worthy as Canadian parliament but given the polarity in that organization yet the need to remain civil within an organization this is how I picture all articles in The National Remnant Reporter.

    “Honorable Reader, the honorable member of the opposition of the The National Remnant Reporter has repeatedly wrote about communion on the tongue and yet again refused to address the innumerable concerns that I raised. Instead the honorable member of the opposition redirected into personal attacks and the issue of the Nuns on the Bus. Honorable Reader, when will the opposition be held accountable and quit playing games with such serious issues?”

  3. LarryW2LJ says:

    I thought I saw something online somewhere yesterday that the K of C was taking over the Crux.

  4. Gregg the Obscure says:

    LarryW2LJ, yes, KofC is going to fund Crux. I think the Globe had operated that site largely as a pr vehicle to benefit the recent film Spotlight. Once the film ran its course, they had little use for the website anymore.

  5. ghp95134 says:

    Great Ceasar’s Ghost, Captain! Don’t you know better than to mix mater with antimatter? Especially since our current reaction chambers have not yet been converted to warp propulsion chambers? I mean, even our best fighters cannot handle warp drive. Yet.

    [For mixing Superman with Star Trek… and close to the Ides, to boo!]

    Fr. Z's Gold Star Award

  6. Jack Orlando says:

    Is it already April 1st?

  7. Someone please be the Garrigue says:

    The Notional Catholic Remainder

  8. Maltese says:

    Wait…one magazine that both Pelosi and Donohue can read!?

  9. Uxixu says:

    Next thing you know, you’ll have a show with Fr. James Martin, SJ, the “Fathers John & James show” on CNN.

  10. Kathleen10 says:

    LarryW2LJ, I’m glad you mentioned that the KofC is now financing Crux. I thought I hallucinated it.
    What next. From now on when I hear good news I will pinch myself to remember that’s impossible.

  11. letchitsa1 says:

    Between the article and the other comments, this is the best laugh I’ve had yet today. Thanks for the levity.

  12. Uxixu says: you’ll have a show with Fr. James Martin, SJ, the “Fathers John & James show” on CNN

    Sorta like the old SNL “Point Counterpoint”?