Vuvuzela or Vuvuzelas or Noise Makers From HellFrom CMR comes this serious and disconcerting story.  Me emphases and comments:

First it was contraception, then abortion. Now the Pope wants to ban something else…Vuvuzelas. [Picture me in my grief.] News reports indicate that Pope Benedict XVI, a former Nazi Youth and former head of the office formerly known as the Inquisition, is now banning the popular musical instrument which brought millions joy during the World Cup. [I would have thought this thing provoked head-pounding despair and suicide after prolonged exposure.]

When Pope Benedict XVI visits England he is expected to draw large crowds but the Vatican’s ban of vuvuzelas has not come without considerable controversy. (In case you don’t know what vuvuzelas are click here)

"Is the Catholic Church just against all fun?" asked one devout Catholic who said he was going to buy a Vuvuzela in protest. "I read somewhere that even Popes back in the…like 1300’s used Vuvuzelas all the time or something. So this edict is totally hypocritical."  [Oh the humanity!]

Some quick polling on the issue showed that American Catholics were split as they are on so many issues. 20 percent of Catholics were for the ban because it is the loudest most annoying sound on Earth, eight percent of Catholic were against the Pope’s condemnation while the rest had never watched a soccer match so had no idea what a Vuvuzela was.

So vehement is the outrage against the Pope’s stringent ban that a new group was established called "Catholics for Vuvuzelas." [Vincenzoooooo?!?  Where are you?] The group, which already has 453 Facebook friends, is believed to be a splinter group of "Catholics for Free Choice." The headline banner of the site reads "My Lips, My Choice."

"The Pope has no right to decree that I can’t use a….whatever that thing is," said one woman who was raised Catholic. "It’s bad enough that the Pope wants to tell us what we can do in our bedroom but to tell us what musical instruments we can use? No way."

When asked if she thought she’d go to Hell for using a vuvuzela she asked, "What’s Hell? I’m not familiar with that term."

One church in California was intending to hold a Teen vuvuzela Mass playing the song catalogue of Peter, Paul and Mary but they canceled the Mass because the guitarists and tambourine players who typically play at the Teen Mass felt slighted and many other said that the vuvuzela was the most annoying sound in the world.

One Teen Mass coordinator said that he believes if someone feels they can get closer to God by using a vuvuzela then they should use it. "Who is the Pope to outlaw someone’s spiritual free expression, man?"

He said he went to see his pastor shortly after the shocking announcement and his priest told him that everyone must ultimately follow their own conscience when it comes to vuvuzelas.

A spokesperson for the United Nations said they may consider funding the distribution of vuvuzelas to Third World countries. Of course, they’ll also put condoms inside.

About Fr. John Zuhlsdorf

Fr. Z is the guy who runs this blog. o{]:¬)
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  1. GirlCanChant says:

    You know it’s only a matter of time before someone writes a “Vuvuzela Mass.” Probably those people who worship soccer. And it will probably still be better than Massive Cremation, which even the guitarists on the mission trip I just went on didn’t want to play.

  2. wanda says:

    I hope that our Holy Father doesn’t get reported to the U.N. for human vuvuzela rights violations.

  3. Adam Welp says:

    And after that, GirlCanChant, vuvuzela MIDI stops will be added to pipe organs to bring about a better celebration of the “Vuvuzela Mass”.

  4. GirlCanChant says:

    Adam Welp: With optional car horn, siren, and jackhammer accompaniment!

    (What do you mean, you don’t have those things in churches? Really?!?)

  5. czemike says:

    Is CMR a takeoff of The Onion? This doesn’t even look like a serious story…

  6. The Egyptian says:

    Such loving snark, it just warms my heart, and so deserved yet to boot

  7. Vincenzo says:

    You know it’s only a matter of time before someone writes a “Vuvuzela Mass.”


  8. GirlCanChant says:

    Vincenzo: Love the lighting on that pic of yours – very fiery. Shouldn’t Mahoney be wearing one on his head?

  9. But Father! But Father! What about the liturgical application to holy beezzzzzz?

  10. TheCrescat says:


    An instrument worthy of the mass…. right up there with the Cow Bell!

  11. wanda says:

    You’re killin’ me, Vincenzo. LOL. Great work, at the speed of light, I might add!

  12. Hidden One says:

    Wonderful satire from CMR!

  13. torch621 says:

    Oh nooooooooo! Not the vuvuzela! D8

    (obvious sarcasm is obvious)

  14. Luke says:

    Devout Catholic who’s first instinct is to protest a decision the Supreme Pontiff has made? Or was the purpose of calling the protester a devout Catholic to make the Holy Father look like something less? Silly, really. . .

  15. Tom in NY says:

    Cf. Rv. 8:6
    “Now the seven angels who had the seven trumpets made ready to blow them.” (RSV)
    Exegetes have not yet determined whether the trumpets were plastic. Check the dictionary for σαλπιγξ.
    Salutationes omnibus.

  16. Choirmaster says:


    I also thought of The Onion.

    Father Z, you’re putting us on again, aren’t you?

    It was at the following paragraph that I realized what was going on (my emphasis on the funniest part):

    Some quick polling on the issue showed that American Catholics were split as they are on so many issues. 20 percent of Catholics were for the ban because it is the loudest most annoying sound on Earth, eight percent of Catholic were against the Pope’s condemnation while the rest had never watched a soccer match so had no idea what a Vuvuzela was.

  17. Luke says:

    Tom in NY: I think it’s possible that the Holy Father wants to reserve the vuvuzelas FOR those angels.

  18. Desertfalcon says:

    It is a well known theological fact that the preferred musical instrument in Hell is the Vuvuzela, FYI.

  19. pseudomodo says:

    The vuvuzela is just a modern example of a much stranger instrument, one that enjoyed ecclesiastical approval in the uber trad church in days of yore.


    Restore the SERPENT to its original glory!

    It should not take too long for Chinese manufacturers to tool up and make these available to the British Catholic Public. If the Papal MC objects, just email him some magnificent historical paintings from a time when even the great pipe organ was eclipsed by the great SERPENT.

    Serpents for all I say!

    For those of you who don’t know what a serpent is:


  20. wanda says:

    Thank you, pseudomodo for the great link and photos. What a magnificent cathedral. But, frankly, I don’t think I have enough lung power to play one of those things.

  21. GirlCanChant says:

    I think this calls for a new “Save the Liturgy, Save the World” mug, with a crossed-out vuvuzela on the other side.

  22. EXCHIEF says:

    The devout catholic might be Pelosi. And, now that I think about it the sound that comes from the vuvuzela sounds a lot like her.

  23. pattif says:

    Did you guys not know that the Vuvuzela Chorus has been composed especially for the opening of the Cofton Park spaceship thingy?
    Entirely appropriate, I’d have thought.

  24. I suspect the shape of the sanctuary/altar at Cofton Park would be just about acoustically perfect for these horns from hell.

  25. Vox clamantis in deserto says:

    Why didn’t they play vuvuzelas in the Netherlands?


  26. irishgirl says:

    Oh, Vincenzo, you did it again-I’m ready to bust out laughing in the library! You are too much!

    [and the same goes for you, Father Z and The Crescat!]

  27. Congratulations! You just gave the organizers of REC 2011 a new instrument to add to their, uh, liturgies!

    Vin: You are on a creative roll!

  28. I’m sorry, but when I first read “vuz…” I thought it was something obscene!
    Well, maybe it is.
    Gosh, I need to go to confession…”vuz….”; for heaven’s sake:<P!

  29. And I can’t even spell it right…”vuv….”. There.

  30. TonyLayne says:

    My heroes: Father Z, Crescat, Vincenzo, and Matt and Pat Archbold. Thank you all for such a marvelous giggle!

  31. Mariana says:

    Aha! People who are pro vuvuzela are not familiar with the term “hell” : ) !

  32. Vox clamantis in deserto says:


    UEFA (for non-soccer folk – the highest authority in European soccer) forbids vuvuzelas in European stadiums.

    Bad UEFA!
    Is UEFA just against all fun?
    UEFA has no right to decree that I can’t use a…whatever that thing is.
    What is UEFA to outlaw someone’s free expression, man?

    But wait…I coudn’t find any hysteric reactions like this. I just ask why (and soccer is fun, while Holy Mass is not – one’s life sacrifice is not fun even if ‘only’ a man is dying, not to speak about God). Perhaps people can still respect some authorities, but can’t miss an opportunity to disobey the Church and the Holy Father?

  33. JonM says:

    Excellent satire. CMR is sharp.

    Indeed I would not be surprised if the English bishops handed out these noise makers ‘to appeal to the youth.’





  36. … said one woman who was raised Catholic.

    This sort of descriptor is usually followed by a statement such as, “It’s because of unwelcoming things like the vulvazuela ban that I left the Catholic Church.”

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