Francis: Airplane pressers now to be authoritative magisterial teaching

From the often amusing Eye Of The Tiber:

Francis Declares Plane Interviews New Authoritative Form Of Magisterial Teaching

Pope Francis gave a press conference on his flight back to Rome Thursday, declaring that all interviews given aboard a plane would henceforth be declared infallible.
“I , the Supreme Pontiff, intend to affirm that all statements made aboard this or any plane I am on will, from this day forward, be considered doctrine, which is to be held definitively for all the people of the Church,” Francis said after delivering a lengthy speech about how “absolutely epic” the street tacos were in Mexico. “Since being on a plane brings us close to 45,000 feet closer to heaven, all that I say will be put forth infallibly by the ordinary and universal magisterium.”
Francis went on to say that, “when, henceforth, I make a pronouncement from the Seat of St. Peter, which will from now on be over in seat A3, every believer will be required to give firm and definitive assent to the truths I proclaim, including the kinda weird things, based on faith in the Holy Spirit’s assistance to the Church’s Magisterium in the sky.”
“If anyone shall say that any dogmas proposed by me at such heights must be given a meaning different from that which I meant, let him not only be anathema, but also let him be made to open the emergency door and to jump. Thereafter, in a show of God’s mercy, we shall toss a parachute out, and let he that was made anathema try to chase it in the air like Special Agent Johnny Utah in Point Break when he jumps out of the plane without a parachute and has to chase down Bodhi so he can use his parachute.”

About Fr. John Zuhlsdorf

Fr. Z is the guy who runs this blog. o{]:¬)
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  1. benedetta says:


  2. DCMArg says:

    Also, Flight Instruction Card says now “Nihil Obstat”

  3. kiwiinamerica says:

    The “Fasten Seat Belts” sign needs to remain permanently “ON” during all subsequent papal pilgrimages in order to keep Francis permanently locked in his seat and away from microphones.

    In addition, Alitalia pilots should be instructed to continually bounce the plane up and down to simulate turbulence.

    I mean………….fer cryin’ out loud!

  4. iamlucky13 says:

    After the official document was published by the Vatican, a canon lawyer noticed that the typist recording the declaration apparently did not realize when the ex cathedra declaration had ended and the flight safety briefing had begun.

    As a result, it must now out of care for the integrity of doctrine be treated as a definitive truth that tampering with or disabling lavatory smoke detectors is punishable by federal law, and will remain so unless and until the Pope officially clarifies whether or not he had intended to define as much. At the same time, most theologians seem to be of the opinion that he did, in fact, intend to make the prohibition on the use of cellular phones in flight at least a binding discipline, if not itself also a doctrine.

  5. CarpeNoctem says:

    You know, this certainly did not belong in your first, more serious message… but as a response to this farcical (hopefully) article, I think we need to expand the library of alternate verses to the hit, “Gather Us In”:

    Passing through Cuba, I hugged Raul Castro,
    Then offered Mass and cursed at the walls,
    Little I knew that back at the Vatican,
    Laughter would sound through those long sacred halls.
    Cuba you see, has killed many Christians,
    Swiss Guards are out defending my doors,
    Never that mind, the real sin I tell you:
    Donald protecting us from all the Moors.

    Gather us in aboard Al Italia,
    Gather reporters, TV and print,
    Talk to the Pope and get him to offer
    comments all shocking, “is that what he meant?”
    Gather us in, and ask him your questions,
    Gather us in, and find something new,
    Tweet to the world, a quote that is shocking,
    Argue all night o’er the talk shows’ reviews.

    Gather us in, the blog and meme-makers,
    Gather us in, the pundits and press,
    Take great offense, to comments so freely
    proffered to newsmen without any sense,
    Candidate Trump, he isn’t a Christian,
    Socialist Sanders, oops, he’s a Jew!
    Tear down the walls, repent of your meanness,
    Condoms for Zika. [Homosexuals] No judgment on you.

    Gather us in the Vatican press room,
    Here comes Lombardi t’explain it away.
    Up there our Pope is simply kibitzing
    The Chair of St. Peter is not in 3A.
    Gather us in, and seek clar’fication
    Gather us in, now walk all it back-
    Doctrine that hasn’t been all considered,
    Francis has spoken, just cut him some slack.

    Gather us in, and teach us a lesson,
    Gather us in, and give some advice,
    Help us to know a God of great mercy,
    Niceness is virtue, firmness is vice.
    Sing a new church, our hope for the future,
    Sing a new church, the “spirit” is “in”.
    Open the doors, the vents and the widows,
    Help us to feel good, forget all our sin.

  6. Jonathan Marshall says:

    Many a true word is spoken in jest…….

  7. Sofia Guerra says:

    Point Break…Johnny Utah…BODHI REFERENCE IS EPIC! ?????

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