Fr. Z’s Litany for the Conversion of Internet Thugs (2.0)

A work in progress.

Litany for the conversion of internet thugs (2.0).
(For private use only, when truly irritated, and when the alternative is foul language.)

Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.
Christ, graciously hear us.
God, the Father of Heaven, have mercy on us.
God, the Son, Redeemer of the World, have mercy on us.
God, the Holy Ghost, have mercy on us.
Holy Trinity, one God, have mercy on us.

Lest internet thugs be eternally tormented by all the fiends of hell, convert them, O Lord.
Lest they pass eternity in utter despair, convert them, O Lord.
Lest they come to be damned for the harm they cause, convert them, O Lord.
Lest they roast forever in the deepest cinders of hell, convert them, O Lord.
Lest they suffer the unceasing pain of loss, convert them, O Lord.

Lest devils endlessly increase their physical agony, convert them, O Lord.
Lest devils twist their bowels and boil their blood in hell, convert them, O Lord.
Lest devils use them as toys and tools, convert them, O Lord.
Lest devils forever gnaw upon their skulls, convert them, O Lord.

Lest the innocent be harmed by the sins of thugs, convert them, O Lord.
Lest the innocent yield to thugs in weakness, convert them, O Lord.
Lest the innocent be drawn into thuggish traps, convert them, O Lord.

From faceless Facebook admin drones, spare us O Lord.
From tweeting Twitter idiots, spare us O Lord.
From from heart-hardened spammers, spare us O Lord.
From liberal nut-case smear-blogging hacks, spare us O Lord.
From thread-dominating combox trolls, spare us, O Lord.
From sophomoric drive-by commentators, spare us, O Lord.

From server memory resource difficulties, spare us O Lord.
From rss feed problems, spare us O Lord.
From DOS attacks, spare us O Lord.
From power outages and surges, spare us O Lord.
From viruses, trojan horses, and all manner of snares, Lord save us.
From wasting our time, Lord save us.
From our own stupidity, Lord save us.

St. Michael, defend us.
St. Gabriel, defend us.
Holy Guardian Angels, defend us.
St. Isidore of Seville, defend us.
St. Francis de Sales, defend us.
St. Maximilian Kolbe, defend us.
All ye angels and saints….. GRRRRR.

Lamb of God, who takest away the sins of the world, spare us, O Lord.
Lamb of God, who takest away the sins of the world, graciously hear us, O Lord,
Lamb of God who takest away the sins of the world, have mercy on us.

V. Christ, Jesus who died for our sins.
R. Please return, and return swiftly.

Let us pray.
Almighty and merciful God,
who according to Thy ineffable plan
hast called us into existence to do Thy will
amid the vicissitudes and contagion of this world
grant, we beseech Thee,
both protection for Thy servants who use the tools of this digital age
and confusion for evil-doers who abuse their neighbors and Thy gifts.
Through Christ our Lord.   Amen.

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About Fr. John Zuhlsdorf

Fr. Z is the guy who runs this blog. o{]:¬)
This entry was posted in "How To..." - Practical Notes, Brick by Brick, New Evangelization, The Drill, The future and our choices, Wherein Fr. Z Rants and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

38 Responses to Fr. Z’s Litany for the Conversion of Internet Thugs (2.0)

  1. Laura R. says:

    Fr. Z, this is excellent! I am impressed by your ability to be concerned for the immortal souls of sinners and hilariously funny at the same time. Surely even the most secular of internet users would find it beneficial.

    The nuisance that brought on this update must have been particularly awful!

  2. Elizabeth D says:

    I think I remember St Jerome being somewhat of a name-caller, but if it is so that anyone who says “you fool!” is guilty of murder, and anyone who says “raqa” liable to fiery gehenna, this might not be the very best wording. And if it’s bad to talk (pray) like that, even if only bad in a venial way, then it’s not really RIGHT to say this instead of profanity, rather we should reach for the prayer book and pray a “real” litany.

  3. lgreen515 says:

    Amen, and amen.

  4. benedetta says:

    In lieu of foul language.

  5. randomcatholic says:

    LOL! Brilliant!!!

    It made me feel great…. Especially that line “from our own stupidity” (that one applies to me plenty!)

  6. Consilio et Impetu says:

    Father, you need to add the Patron Saint of the Internet to this litany:

    Saint Francis of a CC…

  7. I am reminded of a poem (or grook) of Piet Hein:

    I see and I hear and I speak no evil.
    I harbor no malice within my breast.
    But quite without wishing a man to the Devil,
    One can be expected to hope for the best.

    Cheers, Fr. Z.

  8. So does the group chant this in their face? :-)

  9. Gail F says:

    FANTASTIC

  10. That’s definitely the most stylish rant I’ve seen in a while!

  11. “From our own stupidity, Lord save us.”

    History might have been so different if more people had prayed this throughout the ages.

  12. irishgirl says:

    Amen and Amen, Father Z! This is both brilliant and funny at the same time!

  13. Catholictothecore says:

    “From thread-dominating combox trolls, spare us, O Lord.”

    Most trolls will use the word “annonymous.” Argh. Couldn’t we be just a tad bit more creative than that. A great Litany, Father. I laughed out loud couple of times!

  14. Charivari Rob says:

    “From power outages and surges, spare us O Lord.”

    Somewhat like not wanting to risk facing the Lord’s judgment without one’s own soul being in the best state possible, anyone (thug or otherwise) should shy from the thought of facing the Lord’s weather without their surge protection being up to snuff:

    http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/j/MSNBC/Components/Photo/_new/pb-110820-pope2-cannon.photoblog900.jpg

  15. Clinton says:

    Nice touch, using “ineffable” in the litany.

  16. Geoffrey says:

    I was going to pray this tonight, but I don’t see an imprimatur… ;-)

  17. Seraphic Spouse says:

    Inspired!

  18. Lucia Maria says:

    Brilliant!

    I especially like the ending.

  19. Fr Deacon Daniel says:

    A+++++++++…..!

  20. lovethepope says:

    oh, good Father. sigh.

  21. Harja says:

    Wonderful, Inspired.

    I only wish I could be as creative, pray for me.

  22. JP Borberg says:

    @LouiseA: Trololololololololololololol!!one!

  23. At first, I thought this might be a litany in the spirit of the deprecatory psalms. But then I saw that Father Z prays in charity for the conversion of the bad guys, rather than for their destruction.

  24. Phil_NL says:

    We should perhaps also add intercessions and prayers for conversion for each of the 7 cataegories of internet trolls.

    (See http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/jamesdelingpole/100099194/seven-types-of-troll-a-spotters-guide/ for the classification of those 7 spieces)

  25. Maltese says:

    Nicely done, Father!

    Internet anonymity has created beasts; faceless pride, and a billions’ dollar porn industry.

    LouiseA: depends on what you mean by “harmful to souls”. It’s better than no mass. But as the great theologian Gherardini has said, the new mass almost hides its central purpose, that of Sacrifice, making more of a “meal” than a Sacrifice.

  26. webpoppy8 says:

    Fr Z – “GRRRRR” is a woeful mistranslation of “gr” (Gr. “??”), and moreover that particle was anathemized at the third Lateran Council. No wonder the SSPX trolls are all over you.

  27. APX says:

    @webpoppy8
    Fr Z – “GRRRRR” is a woeful mistranslation of “gr” (Gr. “??”), and moreover that particle was anathemized at the third Lateran Council. No wonder the SSPX trolls are all over you.

    Lol!

  28. Maltese says:

    Actually, the SSPX chapel I sometimes attend, probably one of the most vibrant in the Country, Saint Anthony of Padua near Charlotte, very favorably quoted Father Z in their bulletin a couple weeks back.

  29. Supertradmum says:

    From Wiki—–St. Isidore
    Bishop, Confessor, and Doctor of the Church
    Born c. 560
    Cartagena, Spain
    Died 4 April 636
    Seville, Spain
    Honored in Roman Catholic Church
    Eastern Orthodox Church
    Canonized 1598, Rome by Pope Clement VIII
    Feast 4 April
    Attributes bees; Bishop holding a pen while surrounded by a swarm of bees; bishop standing near a beehive; old bishop with a prince at his feet; pen; priest or bishop with pen and book; with Saint Leander, Saint Fulgentius, and Saint Florentina; with his Etymologiae
    Patronage the Internet, computer users, computer technicians, computer programmers and students

  30. Mr. Borberg: “@LouiseA: Trololololololololololololol!!one!”

    I wonder whether you’re being too hard on Louise. Her comment would fit in this thread if, for instance, she meant to imply a moral equivalence between thugs and (for instance) those who refuse to agree that “Vatican II is in discontinuity with Tradition”.

    So why not charitably take that to be her meaning? While realizing, of course, that the discontinuity with Tradition came afterwards, when in disobedience to Vatican II, the Novus Ordo was substituted for the renewal of TLM participation that the Council had directed.

  31. Anglian says:

    Surely a much needed Litany , Father. It will be much used on Forums; thank you.

  32. Peggy R says:

    Thank you! Very much needed!

  33. digdigby says:

    I’m a little uncomfortable with the litany form as a satirical basis. [Then don't use it. And perhaps you think I was entirely joking.]

  34. benedetta says:

    Unlike other sorts of internet trolls, the Catholic internet trolls, as shown by their professed target, will receive ultimate attention and validation through Our Lord Jesus Christ. It is better to light one candle than…

  35. digdigby says:

    I just said…a LITTLE uncomfortable. I know you weren’t entirely joking too, I’m not that dense.

  36. Mike O. says:

    Great litany! I can see its usefulness toward thugs and smug bloggers (Catholic and otherwise) who peeve me. You may have saved some souls (including mine) with this one!

  37. Ismael says:

    Someone should mail this to Richard Dawkins, maybe it’ll help him!

  38. Jeremiah says:

    Yes, it fits quite nicely, gorgeous detail, but does it come in Latin?