Not for the weak of heart or stomach. The hideous truth.

CMR reports on the hideous truth.

Vegetarians around the planet were horrified to learn today that the popular Thanksgiving dish for vegetarians called Tofurkey doesn’t actually derive from the vegetarian bean curd known as Tofu but from a very small and extraordinarily cute endangered species called the Tofurkey.

This is the first photo of a Tofurkey taken at a farm in Rhode Island just moments before it was skinned, torn limb from limb, had its eyes removed while still alive, and was finally dipped in boiling oil.

A tofurkey farm is not a typical farm. The tofurkey is extraordinarily cute and very inexpensive to keep because they’re fed exclusively by hugs and smiles. “That’s all they need,” said one tofurkey farmer. “And they’ve got these huge expressive eyes that melt your heart.” It’s those expressive eyes that make “slaughter season” very hard for tofurkey owners.


I just can’t print the rest.  You’ll have to go over there to read … it.

About Fr. John Zuhlsdorf

Fr. Z is the guy who runs this blog. o{]:¬)
This entry was posted in Fr. Z's Kitchen, Lighter fare. Bookmark the permalink.


  1. Hieronymus says:

    I hear it tastes great with Mystic Monk’s “Silent Journey” blend. Yum!

    Happy Thanksgiving, Father, and to everyone else as well!

  2. Dr. Eric says:

    This is too funny, we were just talking about tofurkey over breakfast this morning.

  3. Scott W. says:

    Hat tip to “Subvet” for this:

    “There’s a place for all of God’s creatures. It’s right between the mashed potatoes and veggies.”

  4. TrueLiturgy says:

    I wouldn’t be able to print the rest because I’d be laughing way too hard as I am sure you were! :-)

  5. JohnE says:

    As long as they’re “free range” I see no problem.

  6. irishgirl says:

    The picture looks like a hamster, with very big eyes.
    Too cute to kill…just give me my ‘regular’ turkey, not this tofu stuff!

  7. teomatteo says:

    Touche!…er…. tofu… er..
    Happy Thanksgiving Father

  8. Supertradmum says:

    This is not funny and commentators who think so are odd. Firstly, there has been a deception going one. Secondly, some people must be vegetarians for health reasons and cannot digest animal protein. This is a serious problem. And, lastly, how can anyone eat anything so cute? I eat meat, but I hate the way our industry deals with many animals. We cannot be heartless about our fellow creatures, made by God to amuse and interest us.

  9. Supertradmum says:

    I must add, is this a joke? I hope so.

  10. It’s a joke. Like the jackalope.

  11. Or the BBC’s famous “spaghetti tree” report, which showed the simple rural lives of spaghetti gatherers.

  12. swamp_rabbit says:

    Just saying– I was a vegetarian for years… I did it because my youngest son was born dying and died before he got to two. I abstained from meat for him and most around me thought I was a nutter. My wife had been a veggie for years because she thought factory farming was a sin against what God commanded after Noah left the ark… No hippie c**p, pure Catholic.

    Now, I agree, that tofurkey b.s. just makes the whole thing silly, but it ROBS us Catholics of a very basic strength. Just because the hippies do it doesn’t make it crazy. Awesome defender of the faith Saint Francis probably wouldn’t have been caught dead at a McDonalds ….. Just saying…. Let’s have a little common sense……

    But yeah, happy Turkey day!!

  13. ckdexterhaven says:

    This is so funny. Thanks Fr., for posting it. This is the funniest part (IMHO) “Vegans and vegetarians have been shocked and horrified at the discovery of this Tofurkey farm. “Every time I ate Tofurkey on Thanksgiving I felt so principled and better than everyone else,” said one vegetarian. “I’m going to miss that feeling.”- ha

    I laughed out loud when I read that, and for some odd reason, it’s even more funny as I write this. Odd, isn’t it?

  14. Mashenka says:

    Ever buy a chair upholstered with that artificial leather known as “Naugahyde”? I seem to remember a cartoon a decade or so ago, lamenting the near-extinction of a huge and beautiful bovine called the “Nauga”, that existed in the faraway rain-forests and was slaughtered unmercifully by opportunistic hunters to be sold to the American leather-merchants….

    I agree, though, that it’s rather unkind to judge vegetarians collectively as lettuce-murderers, saying, “Think of the poor little radishes, how pitifully they scream as you bite them in half….”

  15. Rich says:

    There’s an old lady who sells these suckers live at a little stand she has on the outskirts of Japantown in San Francisco. I buy about a dozen of them and they’re best when you deep fry them live. The best part about having these guys instead of turkey is that you don’t have to buy a special deep fryer that you only use once a year.

  16. ckdexterhaven says:

    Rich, that’s weird b/c I buy mine in South Phoenix at the Mexican Swap meet. The vendor sells them as a side to the roasted corn. Usually it’s 2 to a stick, sometimes at closing time, it’s 3 on a stick. The crazy thing is…. they taste like chicken.

  17. priests wife says:

    We go snipe hunting after Thanksgiving dinner


  18. Teresa-1962 says:


  19. Will D. says:

    I must add, is this a joke? I hope so.

    Oh, man. Do I have a bridge to sell you!

  20. Jayna says:

    I think this is the best part: “Every time I ate Tofurkey on Thanksgiving I felt so principled and better than everyone else,” said one vegetarian. “I’m going to miss that feeling.”

    I have met two vegetarians in my lifetime who weren’t condescending towards those who eat meat. Neither of them were vegetarians by choice (health reasons). In my opinion, there is simply nothing more divine than a good piece of beef cooked just this side of raw.

  21. Athanasius says:

    This is so evil that I can’t even stand to hear it. The thought turns me sick! I will wake up thinking about these little critters and their cruel dismemberment at the hands of the selfish and greedy.
    To take my mind off that, I will worry about how to keep abortion legal.

  22. Vincentius says:

    Being from RI, I have often been to this farm. In fact, the owner was just elected governor!

  23. Vox clamantis in deserto says:

    I am so happy that I have never even dreamed to become vegetarian…poor little things with expressive eyes… :-))

  24. susanna says:

    Not funny. I’ll pray for y’all when your getting your sternums sawed open for your bypasses. The hideous truth: Dead animals aren’t good for your digestive tract either. I’m just sayin…

  25. GrogSmash says:

    Kinda makes me want to break out in song (sung to the tune of Nat King Cole’s Christmas Song):

    Chipmunks roasting on an open fire,
    Hot sauce dripping from their toes,
    Yuletide squirrels fresh filleted by the choir,
    They poked hot skewers through their nose! Etc…

    Whatta hoot! Thanks Fr.!

  26. iowapapist says:

    I think Athanasius sees the same thing in this article that I do. The sheer hypocrisy of the animal rights movement, whose abhorrence of cruelty to animals is in direct condtradiction to their approval of cruelty to unborn humans. The article is both funny and telling.

Comments are closed.