“I am the very model of a modern ultramontanist” – ZUHLIO RETURNS!

We like Parody Songs around here.  Faithful Catholics have a sense of humor, after all.  Libs, not so much.

Over a First Things I spotted one worthy of passing along.

by Clare Coffey

I am the very model of a modern ultramontanist
I’ve been congratulated as an excellent dialogist
I have degrees from all the best colleges of theology
I do not know quite what it means but I reject ontology
I understand the finer points both nuanced and theoretical
and when I go on twitter Ross Douthat calls me heretical
I’ve many sage remarks to make on what I call the Christ event
and just how many tragic deaths forbidden condoms could prevent

I much prefer to shun the works of any scholar scholastic
I find the very concept of forgiveness rather elastic
in short, as such an erudite and excellent dialogist
I am the very model of a modern ultramontanist

I’ve listed all the ways the church might deepen its humility
I send my kids to Jesuit factories of gentility
I’ve quoted bits of Newman and I’ve memorized my Bernardin
and when it comes right down to it I couldn’t name a mortal sin
I keep my Rahner library in an embossed ciborium
I purchase all my pinafores at a fair trade emporium
I sing a new church into life with quite a catchy guitar hook
And whistle all the airs from that infernal Haugen hymnal book

Then I can write decrials of a medieval mentality
and open letters calling for civil collegiality
In short as such an erudite and excellent dialogist
I am the very model of a modern ultramontanist

In fact, when l learn what’s meant by “abbot” and “episcopal”
When I have clearly understood why Mass precludes a disco ball
When I distinguish easily dissent from sensus fidei
And when I know the diff’rence twixt a rose window and rosary
When I can sing the Salve like a dutiful Gregorian
When I know all my heresies, Arian and Nestorian
In short when I have exercised my understanding to the full
A better ultramontanist never bestrode a papal bull

For though my theologic bent is bounded by this century
I’m of a temperament so fearless, plucky and adventur-y
You must admit that as an erudite elite dialogist
I am the very model of a modern ultramontanist

Brava!  Fr. Z kudos.

As you can tell, this was directed at the self-absorbed Promethean Neo-pelagians.  I don’t think they will appreciate the gift in full, however.  They sure didn’t appreciate the line of drink ware and bumper-stickers I made for them.  But liberals don’t have a sense of humor, do they.   They seek merely to suppress, as they did with Ross Douthat (mentioned above – HERE).  They don’t laugh because they consider themselves morally superior.  Poor waifs.



It seems that the reclusive ZUHLIO has once again broken silence, once again expanding the different styles he has mastered….

The cover art has finally arrive, thanks to the great Vincenzo!


About Fr. John Zuhlsdorf

Fr. Z is the guy who runs this blog. o{]:¬)
This entry was posted in Fr. Z KUDOS, HONORED GUESTS, Parody Songs and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.


  1. Anthony says:

    Thanks for one of the best laughs of the day…

    I can just picture you dressed up as a Gilbert and Sullivan character…

  2. acardnal says:

    One of ZUHLIO’S best ever!!! Challenging. Talented. Profound. Yet delicately nuanced.

    Time for a congratulatory Martini perhaps.

  3. Paulo says:

    OUTSTANDING! Wonderfully crafted parody, very well executed by the great Zuhlio. Bottoms up!

  4. yatzer says:

    Many thanks, Zuhlio !

  5. kekeak2008 says:

    Excellent! Cracks me up every time I listen to it!

  6. RichR says:

    I guess I’m a little slow. What song is this parodying?

  7. NBW says:

    I was trying to figure out if it was a rap song or not until I saw the update with Zuhlio. Pretty good stuff!

  8. MrTipsNZ says:

    RichR: I am the very model of a modern major general – Pirates of Penzance, Gilbert and Sullivan, 1879.

    Clare Coffey has done very well to make this fit.

  9. Mariana2 says:


  10. The Drifter says:

    The Prelates of Penzance?

  11. Pingback: An Ultramontanist Anthem for the Current Pontificate – The American Catholic

  12. Netmilsmom says:

    I appreciated them! I’ve got a magnet on my car. I love seeing people trying to read and understand it when I look in the rearview mirror.
    I think I’m going to buy a travel cup.

  13. The Masked Chicken says:

    “RichR: I am the very model of a modern major general – Pirates of Penzance, Gilbert and Sullivan, 1879.”

    Tom Lehrer used the same tune for his Element Song:


    The Chicken

  14. DD says:

    Here’s a link to the sing-along version of the original song. Now this will be in my head all day.


    Pirates of Penzance Sing Along: Major-General’s Song

  15. lgreen515 says:

    We should here more from Zuhlio!

  16. Gregorius says:

    Bravo! Can you sing it one more time? And- can you sing it REALLY fast?

  17. MattnSue says:

    Yet no one wanted to hear my take on the Desert Fathers, based on Alone Again, Naturally!
    Oh, wait, Clare went with Gilbert AND Sullivan! Big Difference!

  18. Semper Gumby says:

    Excellent, the rumors of Zuhlio’s retirement were simply Fishwrap fodder.

  19. Traductora says:

    Excellent! How wonderful it is to have a laugh right now! That said – poor Cdl. Newman. It’s true, the ultramontanist modernists always do cite him. But really, it’s as if he were Alice at the Mad Hatter’s tea party…”I don’t know what you mean at all, ” he would say in reponse to the insanity, because they are citing him to defend exactly the thing he opposed. (He also opposed papal,infallibility, btw, because he thought it was too dangerous..)

  20. Fr. Thomas Kocik says:

    My, how the connotations of “ultramontanism” have changed since the days of Pio Nono!

  21. jacobi says:

    Brilliant, and with more theology in it than the CTS stand at the back of my church.

    I shall hum it at Mass later on this morning when they reach the 5th or 6th of the same 8 old hymns.

    One of the original, ( but never self-absorbed ), Promethean Neo-Pelagians!

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